Complaints, Complaints!

Well, after such a short and somewhat undistinguished blogging career I am a little disappointed to have to speak today about a complaint received.

I'm a little saddened that it isn't from a media watch dog, the ghost of Mary Whitehouse, or some other disgruntled cheesed off Internet surfer who has come across my blog. It's off my big brother, wanting to know why I haven't updated the blog for so long!

I suppose I should take it as a compliment, but it just reminds me how crap I am at updating this albatross around my neck!

I suppose I could say how busy I am, young eddy is now 10 weeks old and going great (if a little bit ginger) and Wilf is, well a handful as any two year old can be, and in my new job - again all going well if a little tiring.

I could even blame it on lack of inspiration, but with the media as bonkers as ever, the politicians doing a shocking job at governing, and City in a ever more ludicrous situations that even Perry and Croft couldn't have thought up.

The fact is I'm just a bit lazy really. I think I may have even touched on this subject previously about my inability to stick at a task. Oh well, I'll blame it on the genes.

Or the incessant kids TV I'm watching at the moment.

Disney Cars, over and over again... endless requests for Ben 10, having to sit through "Kiddo" (A very cheap/poor/ Disney Cars copy) or watching series after series of Fireman Sam.

Now I really don't like to complain about kids TV - especially in a Daily Mail outrage kind of way about modern programmes, but I cannot help but feel that Fireman Sam asks more questions about our emergency services and communities as a whole than it answers.

In the original series from the mid eighties, Sam is a bit of an eccentric inventor, and safety certainly comes second to adventure. What the fire brigade actually get up to can at times be dubious, including a call out for a ball stuck on a roof. Is this really a proper use of ratepayers money?

After a break of 10 years or so Fireman Sam returned in 2003 and under, dare I say, the nanny state of New labour, was a quite a different prospect. The Health and safety executives have clearly gotten hold of the scripts.

Nothing is to be done without a fully trained Fireman, and any comparisons to Tarzan are quickly quashed.

I'm not sure if Sam cleaning up his act is anything to do with him now being used as the official fire brigade safety spokesman?

But having taken over from Wellyphant he didn't really have a very hard job to follow.

I'll sign off now with a single conclusion from watching episode after episode of fire and mayhem in Sam's village of Pontypandy.

What must the insurance premiums be like?

TV Reality Vote for your Favourite Celebrity Shock!

This week sees the start of another ITV produced, celebrity stuffed, public voting extravaganza, an the guise of "Britains Favourite View" (I hope you like my fave to the left)

An awful lot has been said about this type of programme, most of which concerning them being scrapping of the barrel lowest common denominator trash - and I am pretty much the first to agree these comments.

But, are these what the public want? They seem to watch them - in their millions, and help pay for it by voting for their favourite celebrity or would be celeb. More importantly the advertisers are happy to pay for these programmes to be made. As cross as I get at the media for flinging out this rubbish, I guess it should really be aimed, yes, at the dumb ass public.

Does the public get what the public want? Or as The jam pointed out all those years ago, the public want what the public gets?

Either way this latest small screen classic seems to plumb the depths. Would be celebrities telling us about their favourite views. And then we get to vote on them.

Why? Do we really need to be directly engaged in a programme to watch it? Can't we just watch a programme, agree and disagree between ourselves, perhaps even off the back of it decide to go and see some of the views for ourselves? No, we are implored to vote, and as mentioned above millions do.

That said this isn't the worst of this ilk of programming. That dubious prize must go to "Extinct", last years ITV produced voting celeb fest which asked us to vote which animal to save.

I wish I could make this up. Do these programme commissioners know how difficult it is for me to think up witty and humorous pretend programmes to entertain my public when I'm in competition with real programmes like this?

Don't worry, of course I'll give it a go.

1. "Celebrity Coma Watch" a selection of people up and down the country are in a coma at any given time. They are entered onto this programme, and a celebrity, say Carol Vordaman or Des Lynham, attempt to wake them up. The public vote, and I've yet to decide if the celebrity is kicked out or the life support switched off.

2. "Lets Hunt and Kill Bill Ray Cyrus". This one is in honour of the great Bill Hicks. Check out Rants in E Minor for the full routine. We could update it with Ant and Dec, or Paris Hilton, or Jordan.

3. "I'm a Celebrity, Get me a Doctor". A selection of C-list celebs get injected with various poisons. The public votes as to who gets the antidote.

4. "Extinct" Celebrities put forward the case for animals on the verge of extinction, and the public votes as to which animal is saved. Oh that's been done. How about the public vote as to which animal should be made extinct? or the least number of votes results in a big game hunter going after the last few Pandas, or Tigers or whatever.

In fact, lets fill the programme with things like Sabre tooth tigers, Woolly Mammoths and Dodos. Let the public vote for them, they wouldn't even realise - and what was that about a fool and their money being soon parted ?

Am I a Celebrity Yet ?

As I was driving home from work, I was wondering what to "Blog" tonight to the world in general (Wow it's scarey how quickly you pick up on the lingo!) and I thought I should stop moaning so much or the whole site is just going to turn into one of those "Grumpy Old Men" things (Turning you say...)

They were reviewing the weeks TV (on the radio - as you do) and were being particuarly scathing about the new Jamie Oliver vehicle. They you go I thought, time to sharpen my knives.

See, I didn't want to moan, I was going to talk about how optomistic I was about the new football season, or about some of my other writing, or the band I used to play in. But these thoughts and opinions on celebrity chefs entered, unbidden into my head.

They were saying how the program was bland, and all in a bit cliched. It was just Oliver doing Oliver. Ideas flickered about, I just didn't think they were trying. I could think of far worse stuff, and why stick with Oliver? Stein, Ramsey, Delia, James Martin they all deserve a bit of a kicking. What is the world coming to when a chef is celebrity? And with every new chef on the block, or new series for the old hands they have to come up with a new angle.

Cooking in a Boat, Steaming with sticks and stones, pot roasts up a mountain, Korean delicacies.

I got home, and started looking for images to keep up the interest in my witterings, a few good ones came up including the rather nice one of Jamie at the top. Now as well as the smug little grinning faces of these "celebrities" there were various pictures of the food they'd created.

I was a little hungry at the time and my stomach was begining to rumble, and I got to thinking. These celebrity chefs are pretty good at knocking up a couple of meals. Most of them have actually got a bit of talent, why pick on them?

Lets drop the chef and just have a go at celebrity, or the so called celebrities who are famous for, well being celebrities?

Top of the celebrity for celebrities sake pile must Peter Andre and Katie Price aka Jordan.

Here I have another dilema. Don't get me wrong, Jordan I really dislike. She epitomises everything dumb about the human race and why we deserve to be wiped of the face of teh planet and replaced by insects.

But Peter, what can I say. Pretty talentless, pretty dimwitted. But I can't help but feel he seems quite a nice guy. I think you could have a nice pint with him down the pub. Added to this he's pretty muscly - just imagine if you had a chest of drawers to move or something ? He'd be willing and able! What can I say, a bit of a perfect mate.

So maybe I have the answer to my celebrity dilema. When I get my, I don't "I'm a celebrity get me a Haircut" programme or something, I could just hang out with Peter whilst bitter twisted TV critics (who can only get work on the radio) slag me off!

See, I said I 'd make this a nice post today ! Now chuck me another slice of dog Jamie my stomachs rumbling again.

Well I've had a look!

I've been and had a look and yep! It looks just like I typed it! I'm sure like every other blog in the world, I'm onto my second blog ...

And already dragged away...


My Wife, Beth, and young son ,Wilf, have just come in and disturbed me - so 15 minutes of Kids TV later, and I'm back.


I think kids TV may feature in this Blog from time to time, so please bear in mind , I am upto the minute when it comes to current childrens TV... This is not going to be a retro fueled wasn't the 80's TV great... This will be all "Story Makers" and "In the Night Garden" and "Underground Ernie"... Ok and maybe a bit of old stuff.

Starting off on this theme, I give you exhibit A .





Mr Benn.


A seventies kids programme that you just have to mention and people of a certain age go all misty eyed. They all mention the Red Knight episode, the cowboy and especially the shopkeeper.



Now , I would put it to these people who tell us how great old things are and poor the new stuff is, and how the teletubbies are perverting the minds of our little ones; Mr Benn is rubbish.


I've watched a few recently and they are an insult to the the kids they are aimed at. I honestly believe the only reason my "generation" look back fondly is the fact that we have all done too many drugs, and haven't actually watched the programme for say, twenty years.


The animation is, well, it isn't really animation. It's more a still picture they move around in front of the camera. And as pictures go, it isn't very good. The colouring is wishy washy, the characters badly defined, and the lack of action is quite frranlkly... subduing.


How kids don't fall asleep whilst watching ... or maybe that's why we all (allegedly) used to play out so much!


Now you can watch, all manner of awesome programming 24 hours a day on a myriad of different channels - no wonder obesity is on the rise and the TV is becoming the new parent to our country!


Before I sign off (again!) I would just like to say that some kids programmes of yesteryear are, well, great.


Now go watch Chorlton and thw Wheelies!