The Luddite Strikes Back...

As my second son was born last week (13/06/08, 6lb 11oz, Edward Oakes Handford - thanks for asking) I thought it was time to discuss again on this blog - where did my relationship with technology all go wrong?

I remember building PC's, upgrading hard drives, talking in near binary about types of BUS systems (On PC's not on the roads...) I remember amazing family members with tiny walkmen and analogue cable Television - not to mention being able to programme the video player!

I thought it was just an age thing, after all I had built PC's for my Dad and older brother, but the problem is, these peopel have caught up and passed me! maybe they wouldnb't be able to build a PC from its raw components - but in todays even more disposable world why would they need to?

It's the gizmos and gadgets I show myself up with. It's when my dad turns up and starts talking to himself - I'm thinking it's time to sign him into the retirement home (Shady Pines if you're reading this dad) - when I realise it's his Star Trek like Blue tooth ear piece! What is that all about ?

It's my older brother and his ever changing laptop, or his 54 speaker cinema THX dolby super dooper surround sound mega enhanced 82 trillion pixel even doews the washing up mobile telephone. or something like that.

It's the (pesky) "kids" at work with their IPODS the size of buttons! I like to point out to them that the last walkman I had was barely bigger than the tape it played (roughly the size of a standard IPOD) The only problem was you had to carry a rucksack of tapes around with you.

Another walkman I owned was made from thick yellow plastic and where it sealed up there was a band of rubber to - you've guessed it - make it water proof! The only problem was, as soon as you wanted to plug in headphones, you would break the seal and flood it with water !

So yes, it was great for rewinding and fast forwarding tapes under water.

Taking all this on board I decided it was time to at least try and enter the modern world (For the sake of my children if nothing else) and look to start downloading music from the internet. My loft is currently overflowing with Vinyl Long Players and tapes and Compact discs, so to save space and a bit of money - what a better place to start.

I can imagine you all screaming "What! you planned to pay for it ?" and the answer is yes. I am basically law abiding, but at the same time am fully aware that if I decided to go "illegal" I would be the one caught and made an example of!

I looked at a couple of sites and eventually found my self at Napster, signed up for the free trial, and within ten minutes cancelled my memebership.

What an absolute scam.

Am I missing something or is it really expensive? pretty much all the albums I looked at were about £8 each. I can go to a shop and buy it on compact disc for less.

Here's the choice as I see it -
a) Go to a high street shop which has all its bills to pay, staff to pay pick up a real item which has been manufactured somewhere, in a case with a printed booklet full of pictures and useful text and lyrics and stuff for about £5. I can then take the CD home and stick it on my PC as MP3' s.
or
b) Download the exact same album as a serious of electronic 0's and 1's on a fully automated system and receive nothing physical and pay £8.

Would it be easier if I just gave the multi-national "media" companies my banking details and let them empty my current account?

What makes this all worse is the fact it all appears to be goverment sponsered! I was recently listening to Andrew "Andy" Burnham, the UK Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport on the radio where spoke about how the goverment would do everything in their power to aid service providers and the record companies crack down on music Piracy and illegal downloading.


He then spoke about how he had been downloading an album by the Wedding Present earlier that week (I must admit he went up in my opinion a little at this point). He than laughed to himself, totally missing the irony in what he was saying, that it was the fourth format in which he had bought the album since it came out in the 80's.

The fourth time he had paid for the same thing. What a moron.

Now where did I put that walkman and sack of cassettes...

A Slow Boat to Thailand

Well the farce at Manchester City continues and over the past few weeks has reached new heights. I've tried to ignore it, and not wanted this blog to turn into a football one. but the comedy aspect of it is just too hard to resist.

Just when we feel Manchesater City cannot shoot themselves in the foot, just when we appear to be on the right track to respectibility, we mess it all up.

I guess its why we love them...Or something like that.

The bulk of the current "issues" around the club I honestly believe to be the work of lazy journalists needing to fill column inches with the most outrageous stories they can think of.

The "Story" goes something like this...

• After a great first half to the season under Sven and new owner "Frank" Shinawatra, the team stutters to the end of the season.
• As neighbours Stretford Rangers march toward another Premiership title, city throw a way a two goal lead to lose 3-2 in their last home game of the season. The players lap of honour is greeted by boos and a near empty stadium.
• After the game, it is reported by various newspapers that Sven is to be fired at the end of the season... but he will stay in charge for the final two games...and a post season trip to Thailand.
• It is reported by the newspapers that the players are in open revolt, threatening to boycott the tour of Thailand unless Sven stays. United win again to get one hand on the premiership.
• Sven talks the team out of boycotting the trip and they prepare for the final game of the season, where the players will presumably prove to the owner how much they want Sven to stay.
• They lose 8-1 to middlesboro...8-1... That isn't a typo.
• They learn they are also on the verge of a place in the UEFA cup through the fair play league. This is thrown into doubt as a large part of our demise in the final game was our Captain, Richard Dunne, being sent off.
• United win the title. City in a shambles.
• The media report that Chairman Frank has put the entire squad up for sale and has sent a letter to each of them telling them exactly what he thinks of them. It is further reported that former Chairman John Wardle has personally apologised to the players for selling the club to the former Thai Prime Minister.
• Meanwhile, the team, with Sven still in charge, set off to the aforementioned tour of Thailand...

I should probably stop there as anyone reading this who doesn't know about City will probably think I am making it up.

You may even be thinking why am I having a go at the media and not the meglomanic with all the money who bought the club I love? Well, the latest development to the store is that the club has started legal action various newspapers for fabricating the stories mentioned above. (Unfortunately the 8-1 wasn't a lie)

The team (and Sven), on their arrival in Thailand were guests of honour at a lavish banquet laid on by Chairman Frank, and it has been confirmed we will be playing in the UEFA Cup next year.

SO, is this the happy ending?

Who knows, my money is on the team, having been duped into a Bangkok brothel and photographed with Lady boys are then left to rot in a Thai prison, whilst Dr Shinawatra assembles a new team (who he manages himself) and United go on to win the Champions League!

When do we get the happy ending? Trust in the good Doctor, you don't get elected twice and become a billionaire by making bad decisions.

And don't forget, this isn't our City... it's Franks...

I'm Just coming down...

Boy did I get it wrong? Although we've yet to have an apology from Fergie or Scholes!

Will write again soon...

The Day of Our Humiliation has Arrived...

Well Derby day has finally arrived in Manchester, and after constant niggling, whining and moaning within the media the day that City fans humiliate themselves and their club in the glare of the worlds press is upon us.

And the reason for this? The reason we will be pillored in the eyes of the non sports following public?

A minutes silence in rememberence of the victims of the Munich Air Disaster.

Now I don't really want to go into the ins and outs of Munich and what it means to me and a lot of other City fans, what has really got to me this year is the constant media speculation of how City fans are going to shout abuse and insults and generally spoil the minutes silence.

Now don't get me wrong, the people who would do this sort of thing, are clearly idiots, and no matter what your views on something may or may not be, it isn't hard to keep quiet for a minute and show a bit of respect.

A case in point for myself was the minutes silence held at a City/ Liverpool game forced upon us by the FA when George Best died. Now I think George Best was a good footballer and a bit of a "Rock & Roll" legend - but to hold a minutes silence for the guy was misguided at best and pretty stupid at worst. It lasted about 30 seconds before the referee stopped it due to the abuse being hurled by the City and Liverpool fans. In my opinion the minutes silence wasn't needed, but either way I sat quietly for a minute, it wasn't really asking much.

The only problem is certain sections of society are unable to keep quiet and will insist on shouting / singing / hurling abuse. (As happened during the minutes silence at the England game earlier in the week)

The easy way around this? Well as has become more common over the past couple of years they could have a minutes applause. CIty and the City supporters Association have both asked for this and United have rejected it.

Considering United had a service and minutes silence on the 6th February at Old trafford, why are they insisting on another minutes silence on the sunday? (After they guilted the FA into having one before the England game which hadn't been planned)

It is said that by having the minutes applause you are giving in to the morons, and that they have won.

Hhhmmm. The options being - Have a minutes applause which the majority of the City and United fans can take part in, drowning out any potential trouble causers, or have a minutes silence ruined by a couple of idiots.

Now call me paranoid, but it appears that we (City) are being set up for a fall here, because as soon as anyone spoils the minutes silence, it will quickly snowball into "ALL CITY FANS DANCED ON THE GRAVES OF THE MUNICH DEAD".

The whole situation is being exasperatted by the daily pleas and messages for the City fans to be quiet - and the given expectation that we will not be... the latest being from Paul Scholes - and I quote -
"There is always that few who might cause problems. It would reflect badly on their club but that's not stopped them over the years."

Can you even begin to image United playing Liverpool on the aniversary of Hillsborough and them having a minutes silence?

That doesn't make it right, but maybe people will begin to realise that United and their fans are not whiter than white.

If all the city fans do keep quiet and the minutes silence is upheld will Man United and all the media hacks apologise for what they have said and implied about City and their fans? No I didn't think so.

The solution to all this? I don't think there is one, but lets just hope that the only humiliation for City is off the pitch.



p.s. I'll try and be funny in my next blog - honest!

Ho Ho Ho and All that ...

Well it's very nearly Christmas - and I know I'm getting old when I say its comes around quicker every year. More to the point of my life and times and this blog, I cannot believe it is over a month since I last posted anything. The angry mob is out to get me. Again.

You'll be pleased to hear I can blame the evil media powers for this, namely "Rome:Total War" PC game and, I am somewhat ashamed to say the latest series of "I'm a Celebrity Get me Out of Here".

I know, I know I really should know better and it is one of the main targets of this very blog, but I just happened to catch the first episode, and after that, I just couldn't stop. Every night was spent watching these 2 bit poncy "celebrities" (the majority of whom I had no idea what they were allegedly famous for) sitting round a fire, eating bugs, arguing and moaning about how hard done to they were.

I tell you, it's like crack cocaine. A bit more-ish.

I was even finding Ant and Dec to be quite funny, or maybe that should be cruel. Either way, it made me chuckle more than I should have.

Highlights of the dross included Rodney "Down to Earth / Man of the People" Marsh, slipping down a short drop and "damaging" his knee. He was carried dragged back to the camp in agony. I think he said something like "...when you're a top athlete like myself when you damage something, you just know when its something serious... and this is something serious. It'll be the cartilage or Ligament. It's gone. Totally gone. That's me out if it."

After a night at a medical centre, he was returned to the camp. A slightly twisted knee.

As to the other reason for my lack of "blogging" action, Rome:Total War. Anyone who has played this game will know what I mean.

I'll sign off there wishing you all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year - Here's to lots of writing in 2008!

I guess you all know want to know who won I'm a celebrity? I couldn't tell you, it has now passed from my mind...now then, Rome calls!

The Ramblings of an older(er) man...

Well it just gets worse and worse doesn't it? First it was daily updates, then weekly, now I'm lucky if I update this blog monthly. It reminds me of my old school reports - "Must Try Harder".
I wonder why it is I never became that Professional Footballer / Rock star / Brain Surgeon / Writer? (Delete where applicable - oh yeah they all apply...)

At least since my last blog I have an excuse in that I am another year older, and having passed 35, and no longer being able to cling to "late twenties" I think I am officially now a grumpy old man. It is the first time in many years on my birthday I generally felt a year older.

From the moment I woke up on the morning of the day something had changed - something was not quite right.

I woke with a head ache. My wife made me a coffee, I spilt it, she made a full hearty breakfast - it wasn't what I really wanted; my (23 month old) son got upset and cried, not wanting his daddy to comfort him, I opened my presents... okay they were good... but I just felt miserable.

I can really associate now with Bill and his "People who hate People" political party... "We're trying to get a meeting together - will you be there? Yeah? Well I'm not coming then..."


The day continued with us packing up the car and heading off for a day at the Zoo.

Things went from bad to worse.

Everyone I have told that I went to Chester Zoo for my birthday has responded in the same way - "That's really good, I love Chester Zoo, did you have a good time?". To each I have responded "No it was crap."

It was cold and we got soaked in a torrential downpour. I agree not really the fault of the zoo, but only when it's raining do you realise how few shelters there are(that aren't shops)

It was full of kids. Now going at this time of year(as we normally do) it is great as the zoo is pretty empty and you get to park right next to the door (rather than 3 fields away). This day was no differrant - other than the coachloads of school trips.

Everywhere you turned there was packs of blazer wearing spotty kids shouting and tearing around from exhibit to exhibit. And that was the nice ones.

Next, and most importantly, there were sod all animals!

I don't know if we timed our visit wrong, but all the animal enclosures seemed overgrown, with bushes and trees blocking any view you may have had of the animals (If they'd actually been there). We seemed to walk from empty enclosure to empty enclosure.

It appears that to put people off the scent of this little scam, (A zoo without animals) they bombard you with signs and posters and exhibits on animal conservation, and how these animals are disappearing in the wild (And presumably Chester)

Another counter they have is seeming to put statues of animals outside the entrances.

IF I WANTED TO SEE STATUES OF ANIMALS I WOULD HAVE GONE TO A STATUE PARK!

When I go to a Zoo I want to see Chimps throwing food at each other, I want to see Orang Utans ignoring the fruit they are given and beckoning for ice lollies off the punters, I want to see a zebra put in the Lion enclosure at feeding time! I hate the fact that TV and the media in general has turned me into someone who wants instant entertainment. Now.

As you can imagine I was being pretty moany, it being my "Special day" and all, and generally making everyone else's life a bit of a misery. The result of which did cheer me up somewhat.

So is that what being a grumpy old man is all about? If so - bring it on.

Anyway, you are probably all saying, " stop your moaning, zoos and seeing animals closeup are all about children and their enjoyment, what was your sons favourite bit?"

The Monorail.

Oh well, like father like son.

Don'tYou Just Hate it?

I made a discovery recently which really should have filled me with joy that somebody in the media world has a bit of sense (and is still alive - sorry Bill), but instead left me in despair.

Over the past week or so I have discovered Charlie Brookers Screen Wipe.

Now some of you will say what's the big deal, hardly new - but for it was the first I'd heard of him. Don't get me wrong, I did a little bit of research for this and discovered some of the other stuff he has done (all stuff I like), but it was the first time I had come across him face to face so to speak.

The above mentioned screen wipe (now into its 4th series) is, well, brilliant. Why have I never seen it before you ask? and I reply "I don't know!".

His humour and cutting satire are all on the bullet and spot on in ripping to pieces the media monster which essentially runs our lives.

So why don't I like it you ask? Go on - you know you want to...

Well he's great, and I agree with pretty much all he says, and he's funny, in fact he is doing everything I want to be doing and saying! Last year I discovered Mark Steel and his lectures on BBC Four, which I loved, but it wasn't really what I wanted to be doing. As you know I love Bill Hicks, but I don't want to stand up and do comedy (just steal the odd gag every now and then)

But the screen wipe programme just hit the nail on the head for everything I want this blog to be!

I may as well stop writing now and just put "WATCH CHARLIE BROOKS SCREEN WIPE INSTEAD" across the top of the page.

As mentioned I did a bit of research on old Charlie and found his Guardian TV review of Comics Britannia (Another BBC Four documentary I meant to watch but missed!) and in it he speaks about Danday Xtreme - a topic I spoke about in early August - Over a month before Mr Brooker! - And we agree!

The article is here -
http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguide/columnists/story/0,,2163506,00.html

So there, who's on the morale high ground now, that we err agree and stuff, and you're earning a living at it and I'm writing to about ten people on a crappy blog. DOH!

Any way, what are you all doing reading this when you could be watching TV instead!

Don't you just hate it...