Well, Well, Well, I didn't See That Coming...

My mind was drawn back to the dark days of our City's brief return to the premiership in 2000-01, when a visit from Arsenal was something to be truly feared.

4-0 down within 20 minutes I seem to remember - the only highlight a pair of streakers in the 2nd half.

Things have improved a little since then, culminating in the 3-0 victory at a similar time last season.

So on to today. I really didn't know what to expect. After our 100% winning start to the season, would this be when we were found out - or when we could really begin to believe we may be in with a chance.

A six goal thriller was the result and a fourth league win on the trot for City.

As to a match report, I'm sure you can read plenty of those elsewhere, but I would like to touch on some of the controversies that surrounded the game, and in particular, surrounded A certain Mr Adebayor.

A slightly ill judged goal celebration, but hey, I don't have to answer to any higher ethical media watch dog - it was absolutely priceless!

To run the length of the pitch to celebrate on your own, in front of the fans who turned on you the season before and had goaded you from the first whistle, was truly worth every penny of the admission charge!

Within today's, stupid, rules he rightly got booked - but my only concern is the fact that Van Persie didn't get booked for goading and celebrating in front of the city fans in the corner of the Colin Bell and South stand. he did not celebrate with his team mates he turned to, and clearly mouthed obscenities at, the City fans.

On the subject of Van Persie, he truly is the new Craig Bellemay(!) - I really cannot think of a more whinging, whining, cheating player in the premier league at the moment.

His comments released after the match regarding his clash with Adebayor (Where he had recklessly thrown himself at the City Man) absolutely scream of Sour grapes.

If anything comes of this complaint it will prove that the top four do truly still have the ear of the (London based) Media, and the FA.

I will be truly fuming , and may even have to write to my local MP on the matter (Who I know is a City fan!)

Anyway to finish on (very) cheap gag, I give you the winner of the Edinburgh Comedy festival one liner competition -

"Hedgehogs: Why can't they just learn to share."

p.s. I came across this picture last week from a UEFA conference or something, can you guess who has just realised he's got the worst seat in the place?

Justa quickie...

I've been meaning to post some stuff up here for so long about my wonderful wife Beth. In so many ways I really do think there is nobody like her in the world.

One are in which she excels is in suffering fools far more than she should (maybe that's why she married me)

An example of this is the lengths she will go to with people phoning to sell us stuff. Not all the times, but if she is in the mood, she will engage them truthfully and at length answering their questions until they normally give up when they realise we have no money.

This was beaten when she was "accosted" in the streets of Sale by a Mormon.

"Would you like to talk about Jesus?" he asked,

"No, sorry I'm in a bit of a rush," and she continued on her way.

50 yards further on, she is stopped again by another chap in matching white shirt and black suit, "Would you like to talk about Jesus?", quick as a flash - "Lucky you should ask, but there's a guy back there wanting to talk about God!"

By the time he realised that Beth meant his fellow Morman, she was long gone.

This was surpased this week when she was stopped by a someone from Greenpeace.

The conversation went something like this...

GREENPEACE:Would you like to donate some money to help save the whales?

BETH: Not really, I think the welsh should be able to look after themselves.

GP(Unfazed): I notice you have a young family?

(No fooling this guy as Beth was pushing Eddy in his push chair)

GP: Would you like them to enjoy sea food when they grow up?

BETH(Now a little intrigued): I guess so...

GP: Well, are you aware that in the over fishing of fish such as Tuna, their stocks are going to be depleated, and as a side affect the number of Dolphins and whales caught in the nets is leading them to extinction.

BETH: And where do I come in to this?

GP: By donating £2 a month it will enable us to cut down on the over fishing and help make safer nets to stop the wrong fish being caught.

BETH: and what happens to the Whales and Dolphins?

GP: Well, they're going to be extinct and -

BETH: But what actually happens to the carcasses of the Whales and Dolphins?

GP: Well, err, I erm guess they're or dumped, anyway, that's not the point...

BETH: Well, I think it is really. Why don't we eat the Dolphins and Whales?

GP:(Shocked) Eat... Flipper?

BETH: It seems a double waste that once they've been caught and killed we just dump the bodies. surely if we ate all that we caught, then we wouldn't need to overfish the other species. Why don't we save the cod? Whales are taking up more ocean than they are - doesn't really seem fair.

By this point the Greenpeace chap was backing away clutching his clipboard.

I believe they are putting up posters of my wife around Sale, warning street vendors not to talk to her...

FOR SALE!

No don't worry - I haven't forgotten everything Bill Hicks taught me and finally sold my (worthless) soul to the highest advertising bid - worse than that I'm trying to sell the family house and join the moving chain to pastures new!

People always say how hard it is buying or selling a house, and you think, maybe so, but doing it again now mid chain, I can see what they mean but in a totally different way.

Let me explain... Preparing for a viewing is a nightmare. Whether this is just our house, or across the board I don't know, but our house is not a show home, and we're happy with that, but the thought of strangers coming into your house and "judging" makes you feel that you must make it into one...

We start cleaning areas that have never seen a duster, cleaning the tops of cupboards that no one will see, hiding stuff in cupboards or under beds. No joke - before a viewing today I was stuffing a pile of dirty clothes into the bottom of a wardrobe - and found a stack of un-ironed shirts which had been stuffed there before a previous visit!

Even Wilf, my 3 year old son commented that we ere crazy when he spotted the hair dryer in the washing machine. In fact the reason I haven't blogged for so long is because we lost the PC... or something like that.

Anyway, on to the first visit. Ten minutes before the potential buyers are due to arrive hot water starts pouring through the ceiling in the hallway. For those who know me, plumbing disasters aren't anything that new but I wasn't prepared for this. It was right where people walk, and could very audibly be heard plopping!

After switching off the water and wrapping a towel around the guilty pipe, the viewers arrive wander about and leave.

I don't think anything prepares you for the feedback. "It's a bit small" - it's a two bedroom terrace - what did you expect! At least they didn't mention the wet patch.

A couple more viewings and much the same mad cap running about tidying(hiding) stuff away and still nothing. The last but one viewing, a Mr Lawson. His feedback - "The decor all needs updating"

A fair comment some may say, but the guy was in his 70's! I don't need a coffin dodger giving me style tips! People watch a couple of home style programmes on the TV and they all think they're Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen - I'm not sure how much of this I can take - and where's that spanner gone again!

It's Official - I'm Not An Old Man...Yet!

It's that time of year when New Century Hall, house and the surrounding parts of Manchester are overrun by the strangest of English breeds.

As the office workers of the Co-Operative Group attempt to go about their daily roles they are having to fight their way through the latest group to take over the conference hall.

No it isn't the latest auditions for X-factor, but the 2009 National Winter Ales Festival! For the couple of years that I've worked in the office building next door, you begin to know something is afoot when various vans of all sizes and from all parts of the country start appearing. This is followed by a certain level of excitement amongst some of my co-workers (mentioning no names - Mark & James).

Finally, as the queues begin to form at the front doors you know that its Real Ale time.

Now these people all have a certain look to them, and it isn't just confined to a "Rochdale Pioneer" vibe (even though they wouldn't look out of place)

As soon as you see the carefully styled beard or sideburns, the pot bellies and the ruddy complexion you know something is going on. Couple that with the waistcoats, baggy cords or fleece jackets, then you know you've probably got an infestation of Ale drinkers.

You know its true, when you realise that they are all wandering about with their own pewter tankards.

Does constantly drinking from the same cup make it taste better? The other giveaway that the "beer Festival" is underway is the lack of females, unless they are all hidden under false beards like the stoning crowd from the life of Brian.

Another odd sign is the guides and helpers sat, or rather slumped, by doorways wearing their "Volunteer" t-shirts, a large bunch of keys on their belt, smelling of stale beer.

We were pleased to see our first "Victim" of the festival at approximately 2 o'clock in the afternoon, a chap, his tankard in one hand, throwing up onto the tram tracks.

As if that wasn't bad enough - it was the site of the two grubby Manchester Pigeons discussing the merits of the old fashioned brewing process that went into the vomit.

Oh well, only two more days to go. Bring on the the Morris Dancers!

Could It Get any More Surreal?

Well the Kaka transfer saga rumbles on, and depending on how successful your particular team is determines pretty much where you stand on the issue.

Depending on what paper you read he will either be signed for a paltry £40million pound (The Daily Star) to a whopping £243million (The Sun). Either way it will probably be quite a lot of money and you are either bemused or foretelling the end of the world and undoubtedly speaking in tongues.

I cannot believe range of emotions it has awoken in people who probably don't even know where Manchester is, never mind that they had two football teams (City and FC United).

Maybe the least surprising is the views eminating from some of the "Big Four" clubs, and in particular Arsenal. Mr Wengar is really not very happy at all.

Apparently we are "are not living in the real world by pursuing a £107m deal for AC Milan's Brazil superstar Kaka." And we thought he was unhappy when we signed Robinho. I cannot help but feel that the Arsenal in particular are worried at the possible break up of "The Big Four" (by Aston Villa - never mind City)

If this was one of those four teams chasing the player, an eyebrow would be raised, but it certainly wouldn't provoke the reaction this has.

One aspect which certainly does amuse me is the attitude of a certain number of Man United fans, who huff and tut at us (like Chelsea before us) trying to "Buy" the premiership, seemingly oblivious to the fact that United have themselves bought the title for the last 15-20 years.

Never mind, the £20million plus spent on Wayne Rooney, Rio Ferdinand, Carrick, Berbatov, and Veron.. Add to this recent signings such as Anderson - £18million, Owen Hargreaves - £17million, Nani £17million. No one (including Chelsea have as many players in the list of top 15 transfers of all time)

It isn't a new thing though, United have always been a big money transfer club, just look at the previous records they have broken over the years with players such as Andy Cole, Roy keane, Gary Pallister, and Bryan Robson all being record signings.

So tell me United haven't "bought" trophies?

But I digress. It is the way it has always been and always will be. For all the accusations flying about, I think I was most impressed, or even surprised by Steve Coppell's -

"City's owner has a target, how he gets there is down to him. Hopefully there'll soon be six teams capable of winning the title, that can only be good. If City join that then brilliant."

Cheers Steve...or maybe he just feels guilty about the 30 day management reign.

A very good article I did read (very surprisingly in the Daily Mail) summed it all up perfectly. It's only a game, for peoples enjoyment. I know some may say that money like this makes a mockery of that statement, but it still doesn't change it.

It's only a game. Enjoy it.

Oh well, bring on Wigan!

Happy New Year and all that ...

Well another year has been and gone and I still don't update this thing half as much as I should! A writer? Pah! as some would say (especially Beth!) I haven't even got a Pen...

For my end / start of year blog I guess I should do some kind of review of the year and try to prove (yet again) that mankind really is just a virus with shoes - thanks Bill, still thinking of you in 2009!

I have been reminded this year on so many occasions, of the scene in Monty Python's Meaning of Life around the middle of the film where the scene moves to the boardroom of a multi national company. The scene pans out something like this -

"CHAIRMAN: ...Which brings us once again to the urgent realisation of just how much there is still left to own. Item six on the agenda: the meaning of life. Now, uh, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this.
HARRY: That's right. Yeah, I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks, and, uh, what we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts. One: people are not wearing enough hats. Two: matter is energy. In the universe, there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul. However, this soul does not exist ab initio, as orthodox Christianity teaches. It has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is rarely achieved, owing to man's unique ability to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia.
[pause]
BERT: What was that about hats, again?"

I think I would have to say that this is undoubtedly my favourite scene in any film, and somewhat sums up mankind in the 21st century. Totally fuelled by media of all types, we are constantly being , you know, being, well, kind of , err, yeah distracted by rubbish... (what was that google search again...cup, girls, two...)

See what I mean?

In no particular order, my fave / worst distractions of the year...

The Brand / Ross debacle... two guys, being idiots to someone who didn't really care - becomes a national outrage - get over it - it really didn't matter.

John Sergeant on Strictly come dine with me in the jungle (or whatever). An old man dancing badly. it's not big, it's clever and it really isn't funny. It must have been hiding something really important in the news that day/week...

The American election going on forever... okay, I guess this might be quite important to the world all in, but does it really have to take so long?

As to some of my dumbest stories of the year, how about -

Linda Lusardi calling 999 for help as she was late for the panto she was in (On no she wasn't etc. etc_) - this story is only topped by an old vegitarian friend of mine going into a freezer shop, and asking for some of that "linda Lusardi stuff".

The fake Penis sellers being jailed...

"The makers of a prosthetic penis to help men cheat on drugs tests have pleaded guilty to two charges of conspiracy in a US federal court. "

The chap who filmed himself breaking the law... and then posted the films on youtube. With his contact details.

To round up, I guess my message to all is to google "Dumb" to just prove why global warming isn't a problem, and the sooner mankind is wiped out the better! (In fact the best search I came across was "Deaf Drummer" - don't ask me why I was searching that...)

Apart from that - Have a good new year one and all - and I'll be back to moan soon enough!

It's Like Crack Cocaine...

... or so I am led to believe, having never really taken anything much stronger than 400mg Ibuprofams (Which are rather good, and mind altering)

Having meandered round the office feeling older and older, and all the "kids" with their ipods and Internet / multi-media playing / photo taking / all singing all dancing / even does the washing up mobile phones, I couldn't help but overhear them going on about this "Face book" thing.

My instant reaction, my Luddite views kicking in, was to ignore it and hope it would go away. Next step was to ban it, but when my age peers started going on about it I knew I could ignore it no longer.

I signed up.

Three days in, and I can safely say it is absolute crap.

And I just cannot leave it alone. I swear almost every minute since I signed up I've been on. Looking, searching delving, moseying about. Putting in random names and groups just to see what comes up, looking at endless pictures of slightly drunk people huddled together in bars.

I find myself pleased when I come across someone I went to school with 15 years ago, and asking them to "Be my friend". I wouldn't even recognise these people if I walked past them in the street - and if I did I would look away and pretend to not see them.

THERE IS A REASON I HAVEN'T SEEN THEM SINCE SCHOOL!

I may be stating the obvious, but it is just Friends re-united, without the blue rinse brigade.

Since I started writing this blog I've been back about 6 times to check if any of my "friends" are logged on - or if anyone has updated my "Wall".

In fact, back in a minute...

...Nope, no one has said anything... although I've got 28 friends now! (I then look at the unpopular smelly acne laden kid from school and he's got 23 thousand....hhmmm)

Every time I see the heading " What are you doing at the moment" I just want to type "Looking at face book" - It's like the 21st century equivalent of "Sex - Yes Please!!!!" filled in on random forms.

My only problem which I know will happen is that I will spend every minute on it now... and then realise that there is just tumbleweed going across my screen and I'll drift away.

And then something dead important will happen, and I'll miss it!

Oh well, I guess I might look as often as I update my blog!

Back to face book now!