It's Like Crack Cocaine...

... or so I am led to believe, having never really taken anything much stronger than 400mg Ibuprofams (Which are rather good, and mind altering)

Having meandered round the office feeling older and older, and all the "kids" with their ipods and Internet / multi-media playing / photo taking / all singing all dancing / even does the washing up mobile phones, I couldn't help but overhear them going on about this "Face book" thing.

My instant reaction, my Luddite views kicking in, was to ignore it and hope it would go away. Next step was to ban it, but when my age peers started going on about it I knew I could ignore it no longer.

I signed up.

Three days in, and I can safely say it is absolute crap.

And I just cannot leave it alone. I swear almost every minute since I signed up I've been on. Looking, searching delving, moseying about. Putting in random names and groups just to see what comes up, looking at endless pictures of slightly drunk people huddled together in bars.

I find myself pleased when I come across someone I went to school with 15 years ago, and asking them to "Be my friend". I wouldn't even recognise these people if I walked past them in the street - and if I did I would look away and pretend to not see them.

THERE IS A REASON I HAVEN'T SEEN THEM SINCE SCHOOL!

I may be stating the obvious, but it is just Friends re-united, without the blue rinse brigade.

Since I started writing this blog I've been back about 6 times to check if any of my "friends" are logged on - or if anyone has updated my "Wall".

In fact, back in a minute...

...Nope, no one has said anything... although I've got 28 friends now! (I then look at the unpopular smelly acne laden kid from school and he's got 23 thousand....hhmmm)

Every time I see the heading " What are you doing at the moment" I just want to type "Looking at face book" - It's like the 21st century equivalent of "Sex - Yes Please!!!!" filled in on random forms.

My only problem which I know will happen is that I will spend every minute on it now... and then realise that there is just tumbleweed going across my screen and I'll drift away.

And then something dead important will happen, and I'll miss it!

Oh well, I guess I might look as often as I update my blog!

Back to face book now!

National Outrage

I was at work today, and I had a right rant about something. If I say so myself it was particuarly witty and humorous - to the extent I had Mitesh and Carl in stitches (Yes I know they sort of work for me and aim to please, but even so.)

Anyway - as I was doing my little bit of stand up it flashed through my mind how this would make a great blog entry. I agree it was all part manager, part entertainer, but it did have that certain something to have you all chuckling at your keyboards.

The only problem is, that being another year older since my last blog, my mind is ever more befuddled, and I've completely forgotten what it was. I must admit I even now sit around the office telling the youngsters how great things used to be.

We even debated Tufty badges. If you are the right age to know what I mean you will even know be rubbing an imaginary spot on your chest...

Anyway what to write on my blog. As my dodgy geriatric brain continues to lose it I guess I'll have to wade in on the Brand / Ross / Sachs debacle that is threatening to engulf the world.

It is in serious danger of overshadowing the economic problems of the world, the American presidential election, not to mention the iminent destruction of the universe due to the LHC in the alps (see previous blog).

At the heart of all this moral outrage whipped up by the daily mail and other equally useless media outlets is a selection of somewhat bawdy messages left on Andrew Sach's ansaphone by Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross.

I haven't heard the recording, and don't really feel the need to (See - I too can have an opinion on something I know nothing about). The one question which I wanted answering was for me the only one that matters in issues of taste and decency where humour is concerned;

Was it funny or not? No one seems to have actually answered this highly relevant point (Apart from my good lady wife Beth who was in hysterics, who normally just laughs at people slipping on banana skins.)

As far as comedy is concerned that is all that matters to me. Chubby Brown or Bernard Manning, two comedians for whom I have quite a dislike, partially because I do not agree with their views on the world, but primarily because they just aren't funny.

But back to Ross and Brand, I must admit now that I think about it, that I am actually totally shocked and upset at the whole affair. Not least the fact that Andrew Sachs didn't seem all that bothered, or that his Granddaughter was so unhappy at the invasion of her privacy that she felt impelled to imediately sell her story to the Sun newspaper.

No. The fact that all this filth was broadcast on Radio 2. Not an independant station, or the "Kidz" orientated radio 1 but aunties favourite Radio 2. Home to Terry Wogan and Johnie Walker.

What is the world coming to? I 'm going to retune my radio to the sedate world of Radio 3, retire to my bath chair, and lay out banana skins on the pavement in front of the post office on pension day to keep the wife amused.

It's The End of the World...

... and I feel a little bit peeved"

Or so the song goes, well something like that. If you've missed it in the news at somepoint on Wednesday they are due to set off the Large Hadron Collider, what has been described as the worlds most expensive physuics experiment.

What it boils down to, is that they have built a 27 kilometre circular tunnel, under the alps, around which they are going to fire particles at near the speed of light, and when they collide they will see what happens.

Now in my day of studying (and failing) physics GCSE, when we had to do our coursework for the year we'd drop an apple out of a tree and draw a picture of Newton underneath, or go slamming at a punk gig to show the effects of brownian motion (see I remembered something).

In comparison, the large Hadron Collider is aiming to recreate what happened a billionth of a second after the big bang.

Aiming quite high then. But at a cost of 5billion pounds, you'd have to make some pretty impressive claims to the people funding it.

The problem with the Large Hadron Collider and recreating the aftermath of the big bang, is the view from some quarters that a series of mini black holes will be created, we'll be flooded in dark matter and the whole of Life, The Universe and Everything will be sucked inside out, creating a new universe and erasing ours.

I heard this topic being discussed on the radio with the author of the saftey report for the LHC, who pointed we're perfectly safe, and the world would not be ending. He was then quized by the DJ's to explain what exactly the experiment was, and to make it as understandable to a 7am audience.

He went through much of what I've said above, and as all good investigative journalists should he was pressed as to what happened before the "billionth of a second after the big bang", and even what happened before the big bang.

The scientist pointed out that he couldn't, and that he wasn't really the right person to ask.

As all good radio hosts should do, the question was put out to the general public to answer what happened just before the big bang.

A raft of pretty obvious answers flooded in, mainly surround God, and religion, but I was pleased that the exact answer that I was thinking eventually made it on the airwaves.

"Q:What happened imediately before the Big Bang? A:A roomful of scientists in another universe were stood around a LHC saying - 'No, it's perfectly safe' before throwing a big lever and kickstarting the universe"

I love the Douglas Adams feel to this answer. The universe restarting every couple of billion years when a race gets to the level where they are able to build giant science experiments under the hills that lok like the lair of a James Bond baddie.

It is also worth pointing out, another reason for the end of the world is the sudden turn of events at Man City.

We are bouth by Arab billionaires, we spend 32million pound on a Brazilian striker, everything looks rosey for the first time in my life time... and the world ends.

Typical. If it were announced that United were about to be thrown out of the league for financial irregularities then I would know for certain that the universe had in fact turned inside out!

p.s. If you are reading this after 10/09 - then we're all okay !

Complaints, Complaints!

Well, after such a short and somewhat undistinguished blogging career I am a little disappointed to have to speak today about a complaint received.

I'm a little saddened that it isn't from a media watch dog, the ghost of Mary Whitehouse, or some other disgruntled cheesed off Internet surfer who has come across my blog. It's off my big brother, wanting to know why I haven't updated the blog for so long!

I suppose I should take it as a compliment, but it just reminds me how crap I am at updating this albatross around my neck!

I suppose I could say how busy I am, young eddy is now 10 weeks old and going great (if a little bit ginger) and Wilf is, well a handful as any two year old can be, and in my new job - again all going well if a little tiring.

I could even blame it on lack of inspiration, but with the media as bonkers as ever, the politicians doing a shocking job at governing, and City in a ever more ludicrous situations that even Perry and Croft couldn't have thought up.

The fact is I'm just a bit lazy really. I think I may have even touched on this subject previously about my inability to stick at a task. Oh well, I'll blame it on the genes.

Or the incessant kids TV I'm watching at the moment.

Disney Cars, over and over again... endless requests for Ben 10, having to sit through "Kiddo" (A very cheap/poor/ Disney Cars copy) or watching series after series of Fireman Sam.

Now I really don't like to complain about kids TV - especially in a Daily Mail outrage kind of way about modern programmes, but I cannot help but feel that Fireman Sam asks more questions about our emergency services and communities as a whole than it answers.

In the original series from the mid eighties, Sam is a bit of an eccentric inventor, and safety certainly comes second to adventure. What the fire brigade actually get up to can at times be dubious, including a call out for a ball stuck on a roof. Is this really a proper use of ratepayers money?

After a break of 10 years or so Fireman Sam returned in 2003 and under, dare I say, the nanny state of New labour, was a quite a different prospect. The Health and safety executives have clearly gotten hold of the scripts.

Nothing is to be done without a fully trained Fireman, and any comparisons to Tarzan are quickly quashed.

I'm not sure if Sam cleaning up his act is anything to do with him now being used as the official fire brigade safety spokesman?

But having taken over from Wellyphant he didn't really have a very hard job to follow.

I'll sign off now with a single conclusion from watching episode after episode of fire and mayhem in Sam's village of Pontypandy.

What must the insurance premiums be like?

The Luddite Strikes Back...

As my second son was born last week (13/06/08, 6lb 11oz, Edward Oakes Handford - thanks for asking) I thought it was time to discuss again on this blog - where did my relationship with technology all go wrong?

I remember building PC's, upgrading hard drives, talking in near binary about types of BUS systems (On PC's not on the roads...) I remember amazing family members with tiny walkmen and analogue cable Television - not to mention being able to programme the video player!

I thought it was just an age thing, after all I had built PC's for my Dad and older brother, but the problem is, these peopel have caught up and passed me! maybe they wouldnb't be able to build a PC from its raw components - but in todays even more disposable world why would they need to?

It's the gizmos and gadgets I show myself up with. It's when my dad turns up and starts talking to himself - I'm thinking it's time to sign him into the retirement home (Shady Pines if you're reading this dad) - when I realise it's his Star Trek like Blue tooth ear piece! What is that all about ?

It's my older brother and his ever changing laptop, or his 54 speaker cinema THX dolby super dooper surround sound mega enhanced 82 trillion pixel even doews the washing up mobile telephone. or something like that.

It's the (pesky) "kids" at work with their IPODS the size of buttons! I like to point out to them that the last walkman I had was barely bigger than the tape it played (roughly the size of a standard IPOD) The only problem was you had to carry a rucksack of tapes around with you.

Another walkman I owned was made from thick yellow plastic and where it sealed up there was a band of rubber to - you've guessed it - make it water proof! The only problem was, as soon as you wanted to plug in headphones, you would break the seal and flood it with water !

So yes, it was great for rewinding and fast forwarding tapes under water.

Taking all this on board I decided it was time to at least try and enter the modern world (For the sake of my children if nothing else) and look to start downloading music from the internet. My loft is currently overflowing with Vinyl Long Players and tapes and Compact discs, so to save space and a bit of money - what a better place to start.

I can imagine you all screaming "What! you planned to pay for it ?" and the answer is yes. I am basically law abiding, but at the same time am fully aware that if I decided to go "illegal" I would be the one caught and made an example of!

I looked at a couple of sites and eventually found my self at Napster, signed up for the free trial, and within ten minutes cancelled my memebership.

What an absolute scam.

Am I missing something or is it really expensive? pretty much all the albums I looked at were about £8 each. I can go to a shop and buy it on compact disc for less.

Here's the choice as I see it -
a) Go to a high street shop which has all its bills to pay, staff to pay pick up a real item which has been manufactured somewhere, in a case with a printed booklet full of pictures and useful text and lyrics and stuff for about £5. I can then take the CD home and stick it on my PC as MP3' s.
or
b) Download the exact same album as a serious of electronic 0's and 1's on a fully automated system and receive nothing physical and pay £8.

Would it be easier if I just gave the multi-national "media" companies my banking details and let them empty my current account?

What makes this all worse is the fact it all appears to be goverment sponsered! I was recently listening to Andrew "Andy" Burnham, the UK Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport on the radio where spoke about how the goverment would do everything in their power to aid service providers and the record companies crack down on music Piracy and illegal downloading.


He then spoke about how he had been downloading an album by the Wedding Present earlier that week (I must admit he went up in my opinion a little at this point). He than laughed to himself, totally missing the irony in what he was saying, that it was the fourth format in which he had bought the album since it came out in the 80's.

The fourth time he had paid for the same thing. What a moron.

Now where did I put that walkman and sack of cassettes...

A Slow Boat to Thailand

Well the farce at Manchester City continues and over the past few weeks has reached new heights. I've tried to ignore it, and not wanted this blog to turn into a football one. but the comedy aspect of it is just too hard to resist.

Just when we feel Manchesater City cannot shoot themselves in the foot, just when we appear to be on the right track to respectibility, we mess it all up.

I guess its why we love them...Or something like that.

The bulk of the current "issues" around the club I honestly believe to be the work of lazy journalists needing to fill column inches with the most outrageous stories they can think of.

The "Story" goes something like this...

• After a great first half to the season under Sven and new owner "Frank" Shinawatra, the team stutters to the end of the season.
• As neighbours Stretford Rangers march toward another Premiership title, city throw a way a two goal lead to lose 3-2 in their last home game of the season. The players lap of honour is greeted by boos and a near empty stadium.
• After the game, it is reported by various newspapers that Sven is to be fired at the end of the season... but he will stay in charge for the final two games...and a post season trip to Thailand.
• It is reported by the newspapers that the players are in open revolt, threatening to boycott the tour of Thailand unless Sven stays. United win again to get one hand on the premiership.
• Sven talks the team out of boycotting the trip and they prepare for the final game of the season, where the players will presumably prove to the owner how much they want Sven to stay.
• They lose 8-1 to middlesboro...8-1... That isn't a typo.
• They learn they are also on the verge of a place in the UEFA cup through the fair play league. This is thrown into doubt as a large part of our demise in the final game was our Captain, Richard Dunne, being sent off.
• United win the title. City in a shambles.
• The media report that Chairman Frank has put the entire squad up for sale and has sent a letter to each of them telling them exactly what he thinks of them. It is further reported that former Chairman John Wardle has personally apologised to the players for selling the club to the former Thai Prime Minister.
• Meanwhile, the team, with Sven still in charge, set off to the aforementioned tour of Thailand...

I should probably stop there as anyone reading this who doesn't know about City will probably think I am making it up.

You may even be thinking why am I having a go at the media and not the meglomanic with all the money who bought the club I love? Well, the latest development to the store is that the club has started legal action various newspapers for fabricating the stories mentioned above. (Unfortunately the 8-1 wasn't a lie)

The team (and Sven), on their arrival in Thailand were guests of honour at a lavish banquet laid on by Chairman Frank, and it has been confirmed we will be playing in the UEFA Cup next year.

SO, is this the happy ending?

Who knows, my money is on the team, having been duped into a Bangkok brothel and photographed with Lady boys are then left to rot in a Thai prison, whilst Dr Shinawatra assembles a new team (who he manages himself) and United go on to win the Champions League!

When do we get the happy ending? Trust in the good Doctor, you don't get elected twice and become a billionaire by making bad decisions.

And don't forget, this isn't our City... it's Franks...

I'm Just coming down...

Boy did I get it wrong? Although we've yet to have an apology from Fergie or Scholes!

Will write again soon...

The Day of Our Humiliation has Arrived...

Well Derby day has finally arrived in Manchester, and after constant niggling, whining and moaning within the media the day that City fans humiliate themselves and their club in the glare of the worlds press is upon us.

And the reason for this? The reason we will be pillored in the eyes of the non sports following public?

A minutes silence in rememberence of the victims of the Munich Air Disaster.

Now I don't really want to go into the ins and outs of Munich and what it means to me and a lot of other City fans, what has really got to me this year is the constant media speculation of how City fans are going to shout abuse and insults and generally spoil the minutes silence.

Now don't get me wrong, the people who would do this sort of thing, are clearly idiots, and no matter what your views on something may or may not be, it isn't hard to keep quiet for a minute and show a bit of respect.

A case in point for myself was the minutes silence held at a City/ Liverpool game forced upon us by the FA when George Best died. Now I think George Best was a good footballer and a bit of a "Rock & Roll" legend - but to hold a minutes silence for the guy was misguided at best and pretty stupid at worst. It lasted about 30 seconds before the referee stopped it due to the abuse being hurled by the City and Liverpool fans. In my opinion the minutes silence wasn't needed, but either way I sat quietly for a minute, it wasn't really asking much.

The only problem is certain sections of society are unable to keep quiet and will insist on shouting / singing / hurling abuse. (As happened during the minutes silence at the England game earlier in the week)

The easy way around this? Well as has become more common over the past couple of years they could have a minutes applause. CIty and the City supporters Association have both asked for this and United have rejected it.

Considering United had a service and minutes silence on the 6th February at Old trafford, why are they insisting on another minutes silence on the sunday? (After they guilted the FA into having one before the England game which hadn't been planned)

It is said that by having the minutes applause you are giving in to the morons, and that they have won.

Hhhmmm. The options being - Have a minutes applause which the majority of the City and United fans can take part in, drowning out any potential trouble causers, or have a minutes silence ruined by a couple of idiots.

Now call me paranoid, but it appears that we (City) are being set up for a fall here, because as soon as anyone spoils the minutes silence, it will quickly snowball into "ALL CITY FANS DANCED ON THE GRAVES OF THE MUNICH DEAD".

The whole situation is being exasperatted by the daily pleas and messages for the City fans to be quiet - and the given expectation that we will not be... the latest being from Paul Scholes - and I quote -
"There is always that few who might cause problems. It would reflect badly on their club but that's not stopped them over the years."

Can you even begin to image United playing Liverpool on the aniversary of Hillsborough and them having a minutes silence?

That doesn't make it right, but maybe people will begin to realise that United and their fans are not whiter than white.

If all the city fans do keep quiet and the minutes silence is upheld will Man United and all the media hacks apologise for what they have said and implied about City and their fans? No I didn't think so.

The solution to all this? I don't think there is one, but lets just hope that the only humiliation for City is off the pitch.



p.s. I'll try and be funny in my next blog - honest!