Ho Ho Ho and All that ...

Well it's very nearly Christmas - and I know I'm getting old when I say its comes around quicker every year. More to the point of my life and times and this blog, I cannot believe it is over a month since I last posted anything. The angry mob is out to get me. Again.

You'll be pleased to hear I can blame the evil media powers for this, namely "Rome:Total War" PC game and, I am somewhat ashamed to say the latest series of "I'm a Celebrity Get me Out of Here".

I know, I know I really should know better and it is one of the main targets of this very blog, but I just happened to catch the first episode, and after that, I just couldn't stop. Every night was spent watching these 2 bit poncy "celebrities" (the majority of whom I had no idea what they were allegedly famous for) sitting round a fire, eating bugs, arguing and moaning about how hard done to they were.

I tell you, it's like crack cocaine. A bit more-ish.

I was even finding Ant and Dec to be quite funny, or maybe that should be cruel. Either way, it made me chuckle more than I should have.

Highlights of the dross included Rodney "Down to Earth / Man of the People" Marsh, slipping down a short drop and "damaging" his knee. He was carried dragged back to the camp in agony. I think he said something like "...when you're a top athlete like myself when you damage something, you just know when its something serious... and this is something serious. It'll be the cartilage or Ligament. It's gone. Totally gone. That's me out if it."

After a night at a medical centre, he was returned to the camp. A slightly twisted knee.

As to the other reason for my lack of "blogging" action, Rome:Total War. Anyone who has played this game will know what I mean.

I'll sign off there wishing you all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year - Here's to lots of writing in 2008!

I guess you all know want to know who won I'm a celebrity? I couldn't tell you, it has now passed from my mind...now then, Rome calls!

The Ramblings of an older(er) man...

Well it just gets worse and worse doesn't it? First it was daily updates, then weekly, now I'm lucky if I update this blog monthly. It reminds me of my old school reports - "Must Try Harder".
I wonder why it is I never became that Professional Footballer / Rock star / Brain Surgeon / Writer? (Delete where applicable - oh yeah they all apply...)

At least since my last blog I have an excuse in that I am another year older, and having passed 35, and no longer being able to cling to "late twenties" I think I am officially now a grumpy old man. It is the first time in many years on my birthday I generally felt a year older.

From the moment I woke up on the morning of the day something had changed - something was not quite right.

I woke with a head ache. My wife made me a coffee, I spilt it, she made a full hearty breakfast - it wasn't what I really wanted; my (23 month old) son got upset and cried, not wanting his daddy to comfort him, I opened my presents... okay they were good... but I just felt miserable.

I can really associate now with Bill and his "People who hate People" political party... "We're trying to get a meeting together - will you be there? Yeah? Well I'm not coming then..."


The day continued with us packing up the car and heading off for a day at the Zoo.

Things went from bad to worse.

Everyone I have told that I went to Chester Zoo for my birthday has responded in the same way - "That's really good, I love Chester Zoo, did you have a good time?". To each I have responded "No it was crap."

It was cold and we got soaked in a torrential downpour. I agree not really the fault of the zoo, but only when it's raining do you realise how few shelters there are(that aren't shops)

It was full of kids. Now going at this time of year(as we normally do) it is great as the zoo is pretty empty and you get to park right next to the door (rather than 3 fields away). This day was no differrant - other than the coachloads of school trips.

Everywhere you turned there was packs of blazer wearing spotty kids shouting and tearing around from exhibit to exhibit. And that was the nice ones.

Next, and most importantly, there were sod all animals!

I don't know if we timed our visit wrong, but all the animal enclosures seemed overgrown, with bushes and trees blocking any view you may have had of the animals (If they'd actually been there). We seemed to walk from empty enclosure to empty enclosure.

It appears that to put people off the scent of this little scam, (A zoo without animals) they bombard you with signs and posters and exhibits on animal conservation, and how these animals are disappearing in the wild (And presumably Chester)

Another counter they have is seeming to put statues of animals outside the entrances.

IF I WANTED TO SEE STATUES OF ANIMALS I WOULD HAVE GONE TO A STATUE PARK!

When I go to a Zoo I want to see Chimps throwing food at each other, I want to see Orang Utans ignoring the fruit they are given and beckoning for ice lollies off the punters, I want to see a zebra put in the Lion enclosure at feeding time! I hate the fact that TV and the media in general has turned me into someone who wants instant entertainment. Now.

As you can imagine I was being pretty moany, it being my "Special day" and all, and generally making everyone else's life a bit of a misery. The result of which did cheer me up somewhat.

So is that what being a grumpy old man is all about? If so - bring it on.

Anyway, you are probably all saying, " stop your moaning, zoos and seeing animals closeup are all about children and their enjoyment, what was your sons favourite bit?"

The Monorail.

Oh well, like father like son.

Don'tYou Just Hate it?

I made a discovery recently which really should have filled me with joy that somebody in the media world has a bit of sense (and is still alive - sorry Bill), but instead left me in despair.

Over the past week or so I have discovered Charlie Brookers Screen Wipe.

Now some of you will say what's the big deal, hardly new - but for it was the first I'd heard of him. Don't get me wrong, I did a little bit of research for this and discovered some of the other stuff he has done (all stuff I like), but it was the first time I had come across him face to face so to speak.

The above mentioned screen wipe (now into its 4th series) is, well, brilliant. Why have I never seen it before you ask? and I reply "I don't know!".

His humour and cutting satire are all on the bullet and spot on in ripping to pieces the media monster which essentially runs our lives.

So why don't I like it you ask? Go on - you know you want to...

Well he's great, and I agree with pretty much all he says, and he's funny, in fact he is doing everything I want to be doing and saying! Last year I discovered Mark Steel and his lectures on BBC Four, which I loved, but it wasn't really what I wanted to be doing. As you know I love Bill Hicks, but I don't want to stand up and do comedy (just steal the odd gag every now and then)

But the screen wipe programme just hit the nail on the head for everything I want this blog to be!

I may as well stop writing now and just put "WATCH CHARLIE BROOKS SCREEN WIPE INSTEAD" across the top of the page.

As mentioned I did a bit of research on old Charlie and found his Guardian TV review of Comics Britannia (Another BBC Four documentary I meant to watch but missed!) and in it he speaks about Danday Xtreme - a topic I spoke about in early August - Over a month before Mr Brooker! - And we agree!

The article is here -
http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguide/columnists/story/0,,2163506,00.html

So there, who's on the morale high ground now, that we err agree and stuff, and you're earning a living at it and I'm writing to about ten people on a crappy blog. DOH!

Any way, what are you all doing reading this when you could be watching TV instead!

Don't you just hate it...

For the Love of Ross!

Having just finished watching the tonight's "Tonight with Jonathan Ross" or Friday night, or whatever it's currently called I just had to write in honour of the great man. The man who I guess to some extent started the whole celebrity thing - in the sense of people who are famous for being famous.

Now that sounds really nasty about him, and as I say I really do like Rossie, but - and I think he would be the first to agree with me - what is his actual talent - and is that what he is famous for?

He's not really a comedian, he certainly can't act, and his singing voice isn't up to much. Okay he holds a chat show together pretty well and does the odd award ceremony but... why do we love him so.

As edgy as his chat show originally was, it's now all a but formulaic. A safe Hollywood star, another TV presenter releasing some merchandise that needs promoting, or one of his mates.

I think the mates phenonemum on the Jonathan Ross show is annoying, yet one of its funniest items. You know when the series is beginning to wear thin, normally about 3 or 4 into a run, when all the big stars willing to be ridiculed have been used up, and the really big stars are being saved for Christmas.

Suddenly, with nothing to promote Dale Winton turns up, or Ricky Gervais, or Trinny and Susannah, or tonight's victim, Michael Ball. All clearly mates of Rossies, and their to make up the numbers ... in the nicest possible way. I mean Ball, bless him, was just pure cannon fodder for Jonathan to reel of gag after gag, and he just sat there pretending to laugh whilst probably not really understanding them all.

Ricky Gervais is normally good at pretending he is a stranger to the interviewer, until they mention playing tennis together, or swapping pets.This side of the show, and Jonathan Ross in particular is, I believe, the true clue to his popularity.

It's the English plucky amateurish of him. The bumbling English Gentleman, as mentioned above, not very good at anyone thing (Not withstanding his Comic and Film knowledge) but willing to give it a good go. This really seems to extend to his private(ish) life which he loves to recount on the programme.

Can you imagine Parkinson showing photos of how he had dressed up his dog the week before? Or Micheal Aspel recounting how he sent off for his very own Spider-man outfit?

The other side I like about his Friday night programme, is how it always hits you unawares. When it is guests you are looking forward to, it often ends up as a damp squib. When it's people you've (Well I've) never heard of, it's normally a scream.

Case in point, Peter Kay, at the height of his powers - not very funny. Johnny Vegas, drunk with Jim Carey or Ian Mckellan - absolutely priceless. n.b. the picture at the top of this blog came up when I google image searched on "Cheesey Chat Show". Yes - I was confused as well.

Before I sign off, I'd like to throw a cracking idea at the TV planners for a future chat show.

HRH The Duke of Edinburgh.

Can you image? It would be awesome, for most of the points above, plus just to See him getting his foot in his mouth would be great.

I Baggsey being his first guest!

Film 95

Having recently gotten hold of a copy of the new(ish) version of the King Kong Movie, I appear to have shown my true, somewhat grumpy, old man credentials.

A friend at work had been pushing me to watch, as he considered it to be a great film and as I am quite a Peter Jackson fan - from Bad Taste through to the Lord Of The Rings, I was looking forward to it.

I suppose I can blame the "pressures" of fatherhood - and general sleep deprivation - along with Peter Jackson insisting on making incredibly long films, to the fact I ended up having to watch it over two nights.

The work colleague was a little concerned at me not having the stamina to manage it in a single sitting - not to mention the fact I hadn't even seen the all new Kong! But he knew the second half with its great host of dinosaurs and insects and giant bats, not to mention the whole climatic building climbing airplane smashing finale.

And it was great. Really good, and impressive , and well, quite long. I was definitely nodding. I knew I had to get up early, and hadn't had much sleep the night before.

Once he'd got up the tower and he was throwing punches at the bi-planes, I was just willing him to get a move on, take a jump and hit the deck - allowing me to get to bed. Just a couple of years ago I'd have mocked someone for saying that! I guess I really am getting old.

Another thing that I noticed - what is it with long films? Why do they always have loads of slow motion bits? (Braveheart springs to mind...) Surely they cut out the slow motion and we could all go home a bit quicker. As to Kong - I'm not even going to mention the ice rink scene.

I am definitely with Mark Kermode point, which I think was in turn quoted from Tony Scott - There isn't a film in the world which wouldn't be improved by losing half an hour and adding an exploding helicopter.

Look me in the eye and tell me that Gone with the Wind, or Citizen Kane wouldn't benefit?

I mentioned that I would be writing about my experiences of King Kong in this blog tonight, and I even got mocked for that - mentioning how it would be like watching Film 2005! So grumpy old man I guess I will have to stay, only watching films on DVD when they are under a fiver!

Anyway, it's getting late, I'm off to find my pipe and slippers!

I'm Holding Out For a Hero...

I recently had the pleasure of watching Superman Returns, of which the highpoint was Kevin Spacey, but came away feeling a little cheated. (Here's my grumpy old man bit...)

It was a bit lame really. I guess they were just "Re-invigorating the Franchise" or some such, but it really just made me want to watch the original. (I know I said Kevin Spacey was good... but Gene Hackman was better) It didn't really do anything new or interesting.

I don't want to just pick on this film, when it seems to me that the whole superhero film genre has gone a little flat. They just re-hash old comics - there seems a distinct lack of new heroes.

Now the X-Men films were okay, and the Incredible Hulk was given less credit than I think it deserved, and from all I've heard the Fantastic four film was pretty poor. Spider-man was okay, but by number three I was yawning pretty openly.

I suppose I've got the Wonder Woman film to look forward to if it ever gets made - but I cannot imagine anyone (especially the names mentioned already for the lead role) get anywhere close to Lynda Carter.

There was something, I don't know, somewhat maternal about her. I know the 21st century version will just be some skinny wannabee model, all pouting and big hair.

I digress.

I think the 21st century needs some new superheroes - and I don't mean the overpaid prima donna footballers or "celebrities". I want some new heroes to fit the times we live in - not old ones rehashed with radioactive spiders replaced by genetically modified ones.

Mystery Men from a few years ago was a valiant effort with Mr Furious, Captain Amazing and The Shoveler, but I think more could be done to reflect where we are at within society today.

Whilst researching this piece I came across another blog reporting a new reality TV programme - "WHO WANTS TO BE A SUPER-HERO", fronted or developed or something by Stan Lee. It shows promise, but I imagine it will just be some big brother type letdown.

More importantly, I feel we need to think about a new raft of baddies. I don't want to see Lex Luthor, The Joker, or Doc Octupus, I want Global Warming Man, Hurricane Petula and her Underground Lair or WMD Wanda (Where did she hide them) or Doc Shipman (oops that one slipped out)

Who would we have fight these guys and gals of awesome evil destructiveness? Who should we and our children be emulating to stand up for the hope, respect and the American way?

With a nod to the past, I think the new hero to look up to must be Tron Guy.

You must all click here to see his website

I can honestly say, before I get up in the morning, go to work or take on a particularly arduous task, I ask myself "What would Tron Guy do?"

(It normally starts by checking on my server and getting out my wife's sewing machine and making an outfit...)

Rock And Roll Star Cup of Tea Shocker!

It has been hard to miss the the coverage of Amy Winehouse in the English tabloids and her "Out of Control" fall from grace over the past few weeks, and clearly my role as a media social commentator to make comment on it!

My normal reaction to seeing a "pop star" on the front page of various newspapers is - "Surely there is something more important going on in the world?". I know the summer months are "quiet" for news - nice to know the wars and pestilence and starvation take a break for their holidays, but surely there is something more interesting than a pop star going off the rails to report on.

I cannot confess to having heard much of Ms Winehouse's music, but after seeing the coverage of her being "Out of Control" and of her fathers "Despair" at urging the public to stop buying her records to send a signal to her - I have a sudden urge to buy up her back catalogue.

Now don't get me wrong, I wish nothing but sweetness and light on the entire population of the world, but, as Mr Hicks would say, I want my Rock stars dead.

I want them no where near the rails, I want them living fast and burning out, I want them snorting coke of the heads of bald dwarfs, I want them driving rolls Royce's into swimming pools, I want them choking to death on their own vomit.

I don't want to see some clean cut kids fronting an anti drugs campaign, or shaking hands with the prime minister at Downing Street (Unless they're planning to go off and smoke a joint in the toilets or some other jaunt)

I don't particularly admire any of the actions above, after all kids - its not big or clever, and I don't even deep down harbour a need to do them myself - but it is what I want my Pop stars to be doing! I want them burning out, throwing lavish parties, being refused entry into countries!

As Bill pointed out if he were to be adopted - "I don't want the Christian family - I want the satanist from down the block - the one's with the good records"

Another story which caught my eye this week and kind of fits in with this was about the original rebels, the (literal) granddads of today's rebels, the Rolling Stones.

In answer to Amy Winehouse and Pete Docherty's latest goings on what had they been up to? And did it involve Marianne Faithful and a Mars Bar?

No. They were in danger of being fined by the local council for smoking a cigarette on stage. And the Stone's response? "Sorry, we didn't realise we were doing it, we promise not to do it again..."

What is the planet coming to?

Now where did Mama Cass go with that Ham Sandwich?

Where Does all the Time Go?

Well, I'm under a month in to this whole blogging thing and I've managed to go from daily bloggs and updates, to every other day, to now, almost a week since I last updated!

In my defence, I have been very busy, both at work and home, trying to find the time to do the actual writing (not to mention search for pictures), but having had the odd few minutes sat behind the keyboard my mind has gone blank, I my fingers unmoved.

I guess my main problem in being busy isn't the actual time to do the writing, but the time to spend being inspired bu the (Stupidity) of the media around me. Busy at work - little time to surf the web, unearthing gems on teh BBC website. Busy out at a wedding over the weekend - no time to soak up the television, or any of Trevor Mcdonuts "Tonight" programme.

So I guess the lesson here is, fore a happy fulfilled life, keep busy, stay away from the evils of media, and all is well in the world.

All a bit bleak really. Look out your window - probably not a lot happening.

It makes me think of the Bill Hicks set piece where he talks about the news telling him of all the awful things going on in the world, and he looks out of his window to see tumbleweed goining past.

I guess the media is similar to the referrees I spoke about in the previous blog. A necessary evil - a talking point - the thing that keeps us interested. So I guess the media, the thing I hate most is here to stay, and isn't going to make it into my room 101. I guess I could go off on one now about metaphors for Pandoras box and all the genie being out of the bottle, but I won't, as I might start sounding like the Guardian.

Instead, I'm off, to surf the web, to soak up the 24 hour news channels, and prepare some proper grumbles for this blog.

Alternatively, I could just go and see what my young sonWilf is up to, as the sound of toys splintering and crashing reaches my ears and he runs past me with a plastic hammer....

Ahh, they're so sweet when they're sleeping...but what's he dreaming about ?

Football Referees

Although this is getting dangerously close to becoming a blog on football, I am really having difficulty keeping off the suspect. If you do not want to know the score from the Manchester Derby (Or do not want to be reminded) please look away now.

Manchester City 1 Manchester United 0

The connotations of this being, that City are top of the table, having won all three of their games and not conceding any goals, whereas United have failed to win a game and languish near the foot of the table in 16th spot. Bliss!

Well enough gloating, and onto what appeared to be the main talking point of the weekend: Referees.

The papers have been full of it, the Internet buzzing, even the lead story on the national TV and radio news has concerned the refereeing of the weekends games. To listen to most managers talking after their games, you'd think the only person out there was the man in black (or green, or sometimes yellow!)

And with every column inch given over to the near hysteria is the ideas to eradicate this evil in the game is another telling us how we can overcome this weak link in our beautiful game.

Goal line cameras, instant replays, a panel of video referees with the ability to overturn a decision or tell the man in the middle what to say and do. All of this to make the game fairer - to take out the inconsistencies to stop the unfairness which can result in an individual or team staring down the barrel and the financial consequences that carries with it.

And for me, there lies the problem. Money. I know a lot of the teams we support rely on money, and peoples livelihoods and incomes of many people, all revolve a team doing well and staying in their specific league, or progressing to the next. But... it's a sport.

Don't get me wrong, I do not think that all the football league clubs and players are suddenly going to say, why Phil, you're right - Lets all go amateur and give our riches to charity!

But... I think people need reminding that our national sport is a game of skill and, well chance. And that chance extends to the referee. He (or she) has a split second to see something and make a decision. They will normally get it right, and sometimes get it wrong. I can think of so many instances where I see a referree make a decision in realtime, and swear blind he has got it wrong. I go home, see it on TV and the ref has got it correct.

At the same time, as happened in the game on sunday, when decisions are going for you, but you have to admit are blatently wrong (You normally say those under your breathe)

I guess what I am saying is that refs are normally right, and more importantly are all part of the game. To have everything going off for a video decision, would undoubtedly cut out mistakes, but would, for me, make the game boring and sterile.

If refs didn't mess up from time to time what would we have to moan about -"We'd have won the league if some of the referees had been on our side"

And on the media fueled money go round which is football in the 21st century - just how would they fill all those column inches?

It's Here At Last!

After a summer of worry and torment, not knowing what was going to happen, or what the future would hold, at last the new football season has arrived!

From day one this blog has been in danger of turning into a Manchester City, football related thing so I'm quite pleased I've been able to hold off - although that may all change now that the games are coming along thick and fast.

Without actually jumping in after the first game it is now a pretty optomistic time to be discussing teh fortunes of City, with their new owner and new manager. The new owner now has an official warrent for his arrest out (fortunately just in Thailand) and the manager, Mr Ericsson is, begrudgingly, taking a few plaudits from the English media. It really looked over the summer that the sole purpose of the British tabloids was to hound him out before he'd even started.

Now two wins, two clean sheets, and top of the table, a few papers are admitting that perhaps the downfall of the England national side under his stewardship was more down to the players at his disposal than the manager. Maybe my dislike of the media stems, to some extent from, from my love of Manchester City. They just always seem to have it in for us.

Am I being paranoid?

Anyway, joint top after two games, and the next game is against the mighty Manchester United, who are, well 12th after two disapointing draws, two losses in Rooney (Injured) and Ronaldo(Sent off for a head butt) and seemingly without an out and out goalscorer in their ranks.

So everything points to, well, I don't know really. Having watched City all my life, I could see us beating the champions convincingly. But I know you cannot take the scum lightly, and I could see a Scholes inspiried united turn us over.

Then again, thinking the result must be one of the above, it'll probably be a boring 0-0 !

I am sure to update this page on Sunday evening, either over the (Blue) moon, or making up excuses like Fergie after one of his players has been (correctly) sent off. His comments about Steve Bennett, the referree who sent off Roinaldo in the week:

"...He must have really enjoyed sending Ronaldo off... again..."

There's only one answer to that.

Yes. He probably did.

See you on Monday !

TV Reality Vote for your Favourite Celebrity Shock!

This week sees the start of another ITV produced, celebrity stuffed, public voting extravaganza, an the guise of "Britains Favourite View" (I hope you like my fave to the left)

An awful lot has been said about this type of programme, most of which concerning them being scrapping of the barrel lowest common denominator trash - and I am pretty much the first to agree these comments.

But, are these what the public want? They seem to watch them - in their millions, and help pay for it by voting for their favourite celebrity or would be celeb. More importantly the advertisers are happy to pay for these programmes to be made. As cross as I get at the media for flinging out this rubbish, I guess it should really be aimed, yes, at the dumb ass public.

Does the public get what the public want? Or as The jam pointed out all those years ago, the public want what the public gets?

Either way this latest small screen classic seems to plumb the depths. Would be celebrities telling us about their favourite views. And then we get to vote on them.

Why? Do we really need to be directly engaged in a programme to watch it? Can't we just watch a programme, agree and disagree between ourselves, perhaps even off the back of it decide to go and see some of the views for ourselves? No, we are implored to vote, and as mentioned above millions do.

That said this isn't the worst of this ilk of programming. That dubious prize must go to "Extinct", last years ITV produced voting celeb fest which asked us to vote which animal to save.

I wish I could make this up. Do these programme commissioners know how difficult it is for me to think up witty and humorous pretend programmes to entertain my public when I'm in competition with real programmes like this?

Don't worry, of course I'll give it a go.

1. "Celebrity Coma Watch" a selection of people up and down the country are in a coma at any given time. They are entered onto this programme, and a celebrity, say Carol Vordaman or Des Lynham, attempt to wake them up. The public vote, and I've yet to decide if the celebrity is kicked out or the life support switched off.

2. "Lets Hunt and Kill Bill Ray Cyrus". This one is in honour of the great Bill Hicks. Check out Rants in E Minor for the full routine. We could update it with Ant and Dec, or Paris Hilton, or Jordan.

3. "I'm a Celebrity, Get me a Doctor". A selection of C-list celebs get injected with various poisons. The public votes as to who gets the antidote.

4. "Extinct" Celebrities put forward the case for animals on the verge of extinction, and the public votes as to which animal is saved. Oh that's been done. How about the public vote as to which animal should be made extinct? or the least number of votes results in a big game hunter going after the last few Pandas, or Tigers or whatever.

In fact, lets fill the programme with things like Sabre tooth tigers, Woolly Mammoths and Dodos. Let the public vote for them, they wouldn't even realise - and what was that about a fool and their money being soon parted ?

Mr Manchester

It is with some sadness I read this weekend of the death of Anthony H. Wilson. A lot is and has been said about Tony Wilson, not all of it complimentary, especially from myself. He was a pompous, stuck-up, egotistical and worst of all Man United supporting git. But. I always liked him.

On the football front, as you can imagine, I have a certain and immediate dislike to anyone who supports the team known as the scum here in Manchester, but to Tony's credit, he always hated City. Not as much as Liverpool, but he always hated the blue half of Manchester football.

This may appear an odd reason to like him, but with the ups and downs of city over the last 30 odd years the bulk of united fans see us as a nothing team, not really competition for the mighty red global merchandising machine. A large proportion of the glory hunting southern fans probably don't even know Manchester has two teams.

So for Tony to dislike us, and see his lip curl almost into a snarl when he had to mention us on Granada reports, was always a pleasure - as it was a sign of recognition. We may have been (and probably still are) a pin prick in the side of United, but at least we could still annoy them.

The second reason that I liked, nay loved, Tony Wilson was his undying love of Manchester.

As people who know me, or come to know me through this blog will realise, I am no patriot. I dislike any form of nationalist behaviour (Especially in Football) and am not even that keen on the whole "Northern" thing. But I am a proud Mancunian. Ask me to explain the difference between regional pride and national pride and I couldn't. I just love Manchester.

And so did Tony. No matter what he did or what happened in his life, he was always banging the Manchester drum.

Even now, I can see him, sat on a cloud with a harp next to Elvis trying to persuade him to come and do a gig at the Apollo in Ardwick. Alternatively if Tony has faked his death as well I guess they'd be sat wearing false beards in a posh bar in Castlefield.

Either way, he'd be telling Elvis that Manchester had the best, weather, the best venues, the best Hamburgers, anything. Because in Tony's eyes it always was.

Nice one Tony. R.I.P.

By the way, not in too much peace Mr Wilson, first weekend of the premiership season, City won, United drew, Rooney out injured. Nice one.

Now then, when's that gig?

It lasted over a week..

Oh well, I guess it had to happen - run out of time and events conspiring against me !

Just enough time today to say Happy Birthday to Ben, and I'm off to Oxford for the weekend - So I'll be back on Monday !

The Funniest Joke in the World EVER (part 4)

I've realised something even more difficult than finding the time to write this blog - and it isn't thinking of a different topic to write about. It's the weight of expectation from the feedback I've received so far. After people I speak to realise that I am actually Phil Handford (I'm normally called Paul - a long story...), it's the fact they say "Yeah, your blogs pretty funny."

A nice compliment, and it's good to know I am keeping people entertained...but, I didn't particularly intend the blog to be funny - not that I mind.

The problem is that now as well as having to get round to doing it, and thinking of something interesting to say, I feel my public demands of me to be amusing.

One simple solution as this image proves, is to dress as a pirate and stand about menacingly. This is certain to either make people laugh, or intimidate them enough to leave you alone (maybe after even emptying their pockets)

Alternatively, just every now and then, I could share with you a joke. Go straight for the humour, don't worry about the interest levels - I'll be chatting about the media again tomorrow, or my dodgy finds on the Internet. But today, let's just go for a gag.

Before I begin, and to raise the stakes somewhat, I'd like to point out that this is the funniest joke in the world. Ever.

A mouse walks into a music shop, and looks up at the shopkeeper.

"Hello Mr Shopkeeper, I'd like to buy a mouth Organ please."

The shopkeeper looks down at the mouse and replies,

"That's a coincidence, you're the second mouse we've had in here today to buy a mouth organ"

The mouse replies -

Before I continue to the punchline, I'd like to speak a little about the joys of Fatherhood. Things change in you that you never imagined, things you always swore wouldn't. For starters you start tutting at swearing in songs and knowing when to turn the volume down, you check the age certificate on films, and most importantly, you get a special licence for telling really, really, poor jokes.

A favourite I remember hearing a dad tell his 10 year old son and friend in the Toyshop in which I used to work -

"What's the difference between a Bison and a Buffalo?

-You can't wash your hands in a buffalo."

The friend just looked embarrassed, the son groaned at his dad, who smiled proudly, and I fell about laughing. I knew then, that I couldn't wait to be a dad.

Yes I know it's pretty poor, and not really funny, and I groaned as much as the boy in the shop did when my dad would tell jokes, but... they are very satisfying to share.

Now then, do you want to hear the mouse punchline (go on scroll up a bit to double check before you answer thast) or do you want me to get my cutlass out and say "Yaaarrgggh"?

Oh all right.

"That'll be our Monica"

See you tomorrow.

A Short One... As Usual

I've found I always tend to start my daily blog by saying how short it's going to be, and then wittering on for the same length as usual! What can I say? As a celebrity extreme blogger (I'm currently writing this perched on one leg from the top of the Hollywood sign) my life is just soooo hectic!

It will be short tonight, as a geek night is planned...and due to start in about half an hour!

To explain a bit further, and wear my geek credentials proudly on my sleeve, a geek night is where myself and several like minded individuals gather and play some geeky board game or other. Just think of it as like a lads Poker night... without the poker. I'm sure a couple of bottles of wine will be downed, and lots of nibbles, and we'll take over the world on the gaming table!

So better go, and just time to mention the news item of the day - go to http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/6936533.stm

So anyway, normal service will be resumed tomorrow!

p.s. I am a Geek - of course I like The X-files!

EXTREME BLOGGER !!!!

I was scanning the BBC website the other day and came across an article detailing the re-branding of the Dandy comic. The basic Dandy comic of 70 years it appears was ready for a face lift and is now known as... wait for it... Dandy Xtreme.

Now before you all go reaching for your pads and pens to write letters of disgust from "Outraged of Swindon" to the Daily Mail, just look at the reasoning behind it.

The below is taken from the BBC Site -

The Dandy editor Craig Graham said: "Following extensive research, we discovered The Dandy readers were struggling to schedule a weekly comic into their hectic lives. They just didn't have enough time.
"They're too busy gaming, surfing the net or watching TV, movies and DVDs."

"They made us promise to retain comics, but suggested we make our characters cheekier, edgier, and more extreme."

Fair enough. They're just doing what the kids want. It isn't some adult led comitee deciding what children want. As I read it over again, certain aspects began to stand out and make me begin to bristle with Trevor Mcdonald type rage. "...struggling to schedule...", "...hectic lives..."...too busy surfing the web..."

Now this implied that when I read the Un-Xtreme Dandy as a youngster, I wasn't busy or leading a hectic life. Oddly enough I didn't just sit around all week bored senseless, waiting for a comic to pop through my letter box which I would read again and again until the paper fell apart.

I would read a comic because I wanted to read a comic, not just beacuse I had time to. I would choose to read a comic over playing a game, or watching TV (Yes we had TV...) or playing out in the street.

If kids are struggling to schedule in a reading of the Dandy as they are too busy surfing the web for Extreme stuff, then perhaps the Dandy is a bit crap. I wouldn't mind, but there seems so little comic competition nowadays. The only problem we had in scheduling was whether to read Whizzer and Chips, or Wow, or Buster, or The Beano, and that's before you even got onto Hotspur or Warlord or Battle.

So come on Dandy, stop making excuses, you're blaming the wrong things. Make the kids want to read a comic instead of watching TV. If they want to do something extreme they can always go cheese rolling.

p.s. When searching for images on Google with the single word "Extreme" - make sure safe search is on. Just a tip - especially if the vicar is watching...

Am I a Celebrity Yet ?

As I was driving home from work, I was wondering what to "Blog" tonight to the world in general (Wow it's scarey how quickly you pick up on the lingo!) and I thought I should stop moaning so much or the whole site is just going to turn into one of those "Grumpy Old Men" things (Turning you say...)

They were reviewing the weeks TV (on the radio - as you do) and were being particuarly scathing about the new Jamie Oliver vehicle. They you go I thought, time to sharpen my knives.

See, I didn't want to moan, I was going to talk about how optomistic I was about the new football season, or about some of my other writing, or the band I used to play in. But these thoughts and opinions on celebrity chefs entered, unbidden into my head.

They were saying how the program was bland, and all in a bit cliched. It was just Oliver doing Oliver. Ideas flickered about, I just didn't think they were trying. I could think of far worse stuff, and why stick with Oliver? Stein, Ramsey, Delia, James Martin they all deserve a bit of a kicking. What is the world coming to when a chef is celebrity? And with every new chef on the block, or new series for the old hands they have to come up with a new angle.

Cooking in a Boat, Steaming with sticks and stones, pot roasts up a mountain, Korean delicacies.

I got home, and started looking for images to keep up the interest in my witterings, a few good ones came up including the rather nice one of Jamie at the top. Now as well as the smug little grinning faces of these "celebrities" there were various pictures of the food they'd created.

I was a little hungry at the time and my stomach was begining to rumble, and I got to thinking. These celebrity chefs are pretty good at knocking up a couple of meals. Most of them have actually got a bit of talent, why pick on them?

Lets drop the chef and just have a go at celebrity, or the so called celebrities who are famous for, well being celebrities?

Top of the celebrity for celebrities sake pile must Peter Andre and Katie Price aka Jordan.

Here I have another dilema. Don't get me wrong, Jordan I really dislike. She epitomises everything dumb about the human race and why we deserve to be wiped of the face of teh planet and replaced by insects.

But Peter, what can I say. Pretty talentless, pretty dimwitted. But I can't help but feel he seems quite a nice guy. I think you could have a nice pint with him down the pub. Added to this he's pretty muscly - just imagine if you had a chest of drawers to move or something ? He'd be willing and able! What can I say, a bit of a perfect mate.

So maybe I have the answer to my celebrity dilema. When I get my, I don't "I'm a celebrity get me a Haircut" programme or something, I could just hang out with Peter whilst bitter twisted TV critics (who can only get work on the radio) slag me off!

See, I said I 'd make this a nice post today ! Now chuck me another slice of dog Jamie my stomachs rumbling again.

Just a Short One

As ever, I'm a little pushed for time, so thought I'd try not to moan for once, and explain the websites attached to this blog page.

I know I said that the Internet was rubbish, and everything on it was either advertising or rude. I was exaggerating a little. There's some gems out there. The only problem I have is finding them, it's just so torturous... oops nearly moaning again. - I'll stop!

I've linked a couple of my faves to this site, and will add to them as I remember/come across them again.

first up is "Manchester City Pictures". This site is great, and does pretty much what it says on the packet. And more. I'm not sure where I first saw it, but I ignore all match reports on a Sunday after a game and just wait for the comments on this site. Basically it's a chap who sits in the East Stand, and takes photos throughout the game and then sticks them on his site with his views on the game.

Sounds crap, but it is really entertaining!

Next is Rathergood.com. I really shouldn't need to introduce this site, it is quite a legend of the Internet. If you haven't seen the spongmonkeys or the Punk kittens doing the White Stripes, then you need to go there. With the volume turned up!

Finally, relatively recent find, Jeb's Jobs. Or more particularly the Technical Support film. Maybe this is because I myself work on a support desk, but this film is genius, and sadly, pretty true (I'll try not to moan! - but the idiots I have to talk too!) I suppose the film is a bit cliched, and other similar has been done before - but it just makes me laugh.

Anyway - enough for now - I'll be back to have gripe and swipe at someone else tomorrow !

The Dilemma of Play Time

I'm on pretty thin ice here of sounding like a typical grumpy old man but bear with me. I'll try not o go down the "Daily Mail Outrage" route of just saying how much better the world used to be with a policeman on every corner, and children playing cricket in the street. All fit and healthy not a single obese child in site.

And then it arrived. The most evil of evils, the video game!

I agree to call it a "Video game" instantly ages me and most kids today wouldn't have a clue what I mean, so to translate - the wicked games console!

Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy a computer game as much as the next man and I am even the proud owner of a Sony Playstation (Not even a PSONE, this is from before they realised they were on to something and brought out a number 2 & 3)

And I guess that is my problem. There's just so many of them - all seemingly so similar ... yet different (I think?!) The XBOX, XBOX360, Playstation 1,2 & 3, a PSP, a Wii, Game Cube, Dreamcast... I've worked in and around IT pretty much all my life and I'm confused. As if the number of different consoles wasn't causing me enough grief, its the levels people go to customising them, upgrading, and downgrading and chipping them. What happened to just buying one, swapping a few games and being content?

I suppose just getting them going takes considerable time and effort, so I guess its no surprise that all the kids of Britain are sat in their bedroom stuffing down burgers and crisps, growing fatter and fatter - which is undoubtedly the safest place to be with a child snatcher on every street corner and Policemen bogged down in paper work. (I really do sound like a Daily Express editorial now so I'll stop!)

The other aspect of the games (leaving little surprise as to why they are so popular) is that they are (or claim to be) so life like. You can play football with the best players in the world, take part in the mass battles of World War two, or have a shoot up in Manchester Cathedral (Ooops not meant to glorify that one!)

Is it any surprise our streets are empty from the sound of playful voices?

So I guess my point is, was the past best and the future to fear? Are those halycon days of yesteryear ever to return ?

If it involves having to go back up chimneys or ferret in between the looms of a busy mill I think I'd rather play virtual tennis with Bjorn Borg (Doh! Showing my age again.)

If it involves catching rickets and dying of influenza, I'll stick to my burger and fries.

If it involves generations of young men dying across the fields of Northern France, I'll stick to my Simulated Commando mission on the XBOX.

In 50 years time, when all the consoles have gone, and we only have electricity for an hour day due to power shortages will the editors sit and yearn for the days of fast food and good clean indoor fun?

Probably. The grass is after all always greener.

Anyway I'm off to find a developer for a whole range of games I'm looking to produce

"Virtual Mill Owner - How Hard can you push the little mites." It's just like the Sims, but you're more likely to lose a finger.

"AGE OF DISEASE" You sit in a draughty hovel and die of the Black Death.

"Medal Of Honour - World War One" - real time game where you sit in a trench for a couple of years, then "go" over the top and the game ends.

I think they're all going to be winners - now pass me that packet of crisps, I'm worn out from all this typing!

Are We All Really So Dumb?

As I'm sure you'll pick up on, I truly despair of mankind. As Bill pointed out, we're a virus with shoes. In fact, the powers that be (the media!) seem to see us a somewhat lower than that. Two examples this week, that appear to back up the points made by minds greater than mine this week.

Exhibit A

The affair of the photographs of British soldiers tying up Iraqi civilians and prisoners which turned out to be fabricated by, or for the newspaper appears to have opened the floodgates of condescending reporting and photos.

What really annoys me on the TV news is the use of imagery. They are doing a report on the number of say, muggings having doubled. They will then show you a stereotypical picture of a "youth", in a "hoodie" and a scarf over his face. Over this they lay a big banner headline of, say "MUGGINGS DOUBLED".

They will then bring on a bar chart showing one bar, double the size of the other. Can you see where I'm going with this? The earnest reporter will then tell us again that the report fresh out today that muggings have doubled... A social commentator will be wheeled out (WHY CAN'T IT BE ME!!!) to say that not only have muggings doubled, but there is now twice as many of them.

Now, for my money the only way to end this report is for the earnest young reporter (and the social commentator) to get mugged. Twice.

This pales into insignificance next to the pictures in the Sun this week (yeah, yeah, sorry it was on my desk, just for research...) and their reporting of the Great White Shark off the coast of Cornwall (Oddly enough reported the same day as Jaws was on TV - am I seeing conspiracies which aren't there?). Next to the (brief) report, was a picture of a shark leaping out of the sea, close on the tail of a pair of Dolphins.

Something about the picture didn't look right. I read the caption "An Artists impression of what a Shark chasing a dolphin off Cornwall might look like." All it needed was giant Cornish pasty in the background.

I was mildly amused. I turned the page to see a report on the allegations of NASA astronauts flying when drunk. Next to it, a picture of a fully suited Astronaut, in space, holding a bottle of beer. Thanks. I wasn't sure what they meant. And yes they did tell us that it was an artists impression. Heaven forbid I thought that's how it actually happened.

Exhibit B

The naming of animals in distress. Tonight's news about the Minky Whale trapped in a dock somewhere. Or should I say "Marvin the Minky Whale"... really.

It's like "Willy the Whale" who got trapped up the Thames last year - apparently T-shirts were on sale with hours.

Where will this stop? How about Billy the Baboon as he pulls your wing mirrors off at a safari park. Or better still Davey the Baby eating Dingo? - Or how about Sammy The Great White Shark !

In looking for pictures to go with this blog, I went to the Sun website to find either of the pictures mentioned above. I was greeted with the headline - "HELP GIVE OUR SHARKEY A NAME"

I rest my case. We don't even deserve shoes.

In case you weren't sure, please see attached an artists impression of a man reading a newspaper.

(How about "Virus The Shark"?)

Oh My! Day 3 And I've Only Just Mentioned City!

Well, anyone who knows me will be amazed it has taken this long to get onto football - or more specifically, Manchester City.

The best team in the land and all the world (So the song goes!)

After my lovely wife and wonderful Son, comes Manchester City (A very close third! - to the extent we couldn't set a wedding date until the fixtures had been released for the season and the day after Wilf was born I "abandoned" the wife and newborn to go to a match...)

I guess a reason today for putting this on my blog, and its alleged "media" links is the hard press we are currently getting with regard our new owner, Dr Thaksin Shinawatra, or as he prefers Frank Sinatra (Enter your own gag here about doing it his way...)

It strikes me as a little unfair the hard time he is being given in the media, coming over as somewhere between Saddam Hussein and Tony Blair (Okay he's not quite that unpopular ;)

As far as I can see, he was twice democratically elected (overwhelmingly) to be Prime Minister of his country, was then ousted in a coup to be replaced by a military dictatorship who then went on to accuse him of every crime under the sun.

And the British media and various human rights groups take the side of ... yep the new military junta!

Now don't get me wrong, civil rights figure pretty highly on my radar of important stuff to do before breakfast but... a little perspective and fairness here. I agree that nobody that rich doesn't have any skeletons (figuratively) in the closet - you have to step on a few toes to become a world leader (And perhaps his comments on the UN "not being his Father" were ill judged.)

And more to the point do Amnesty realise the can of worms they are opening in investigating him?

Can we expect Civil rights demonstrators - or more to the point United Nations inspectors at Eastlands next season? Do they realise what the average City fan has been through over the last 5, 10, 30, 100 odd years ? They don't have the man power to cover everyones heartache and concerns.

I think it is more than they can handle... just mention David Pleats White loafers and grown men cry.

Day Two

Well. I've made it to day two and three posts. Whoopee-doo!

I've been speaking to my wife Beth who has shown some amazement at me creating a blog - apparently she's had one for some time! Oh well, it's good to be up to date!

Her piece of advice was that the more interesting blogs are those with a theme, rather than the scatter gun approach of random topics.

Bugger. There goes Plan A.

Looking at what I've written so far on here, I guess my theme will have to be....

(Drum role)

Media, and how it pervades all aspects of our lives.

Yep, that pretty much covers it. I can now "officially" go on about TV, books, films, music and the Internet - and that's before I even get to overthrowing the western world and civilisation as we all know it by attacking the media !

Cool or what. See Bill would be so proud (I did say I was going to go on about Bill Hicks a lot didn't I? )

As we go along I'll also try and add some links to favourite sites - and those that keep me amused... Which I guess brings me on to a whinge at the Internet !

Hey! Nothing like biting the hand that, well delivers this message to you all.

When did the Internet become so rubbish? Is it just me or is it purely a vehicle for selling stuff ? Just adverts taking you down endless links for products you don't really want? What happened to the endless possibilities, data on anything at your fingertips - the Information Superhighway?

I guess there's the odd gem, the wikipedias, the blogs I suppose, but even the bulk of these are laden with adverts - just trying finding a map of Manchester from the turn of the century. Lots of people willing to sell me one, but nothing to actually look at!

So all you get on the Internet is adverts and Porn. I have to admit this, purely for the punchline, but I was surfing for porn a couple of months back (Just for research you understand) when my PC was taken over by pop-up messages.

You know the ones. At the most inopportune moment a message pops up which you really don't need, and certainly don't want to see.

And the pop up in question? What foul imagery was dragged up from the pits of the information superhighway ?

An advert for a mobile phone? I was looking at porn! - naked people doing unspeakable things to each other, and I get a pop up for the latest Nokia, or Samsung or whatever it was.

What can I say. The moment was lost.

I would like you all to imagine the full connotations of this. The last two human beings in the universe are sat, side by side. The whole future of mankind is relying on a single act of procreation.

"Well I guess we should, but I just want to download this crazy frog ring tone first..."

The moment is gone, human kind is no more... To finish with Bill -

"...and I believe the next line is Jesus wept..."

Well I've had a look!

I've been and had a look and yep! It looks just like I typed it! I'm sure like every other blog in the world, I'm onto my second blog ...

And already dragged away...


My Wife, Beth, and young son ,Wilf, have just come in and disturbed me - so 15 minutes of Kids TV later, and I'm back.


I think kids TV may feature in this Blog from time to time, so please bear in mind , I am upto the minute when it comes to current childrens TV... This is not going to be a retro fueled wasn't the 80's TV great... This will be all "Story Makers" and "In the Night Garden" and "Underground Ernie"... Ok and maybe a bit of old stuff.

Starting off on this theme, I give you exhibit A .





Mr Benn.


A seventies kids programme that you just have to mention and people of a certain age go all misty eyed. They all mention the Red Knight episode, the cowboy and especially the shopkeeper.



Now , I would put it to these people who tell us how great old things are and poor the new stuff is, and how the teletubbies are perverting the minds of our little ones; Mr Benn is rubbish.


I've watched a few recently and they are an insult to the the kids they are aimed at. I honestly believe the only reason my "generation" look back fondly is the fact that we have all done too many drugs, and haven't actually watched the programme for say, twenty years.


The animation is, well, it isn't really animation. It's more a still picture they move around in front of the camera. And as pictures go, it isn't very good. The colouring is wishy washy, the characters badly defined, and the lack of action is quite frranlkly... subduing.


How kids don't fall asleep whilst watching ... or maybe that's why we all (allegedly) used to play out so much!


Now you can watch, all manner of awesome programming 24 hours a day on a myriad of different channels - no wonder obesity is on the rise and the TV is becoming the new parent to our country!


Before I sign off (again!) I would just like to say that some kids programmes of yesteryear are, well, great.


Now go watch Chorlton and thw Wheelies!

Day One

Day One, pretty imaginative don't ya think ?

Here I am writing a blog. Something I've been meaning to do for so long, and just never really had the time, or I suppose the inclination. But I suppose I have to finally pull my finger out and actually do it.

I wonder how many blogs start like this ?

I guess its my first step on the path to becoming a Social Commentator... you know those people they wheel out onto the news to, well comment on something. I feel I have a view on most things - and think everyone should listen !

If anyone reads this on a regular basis - well as much as I update it, will soon realise my great love of Bill Hicks (If you don't know who he is then go stick his name in Wikipedia) - so most things will just be stolen from him !

I'm going to sign off for now, just so I can go and see what it looks like ...

(I wonder how many first blogs end like that?)