It's Official - I'm Not An Old Man...Yet!

It's that time of year when New Century Hall, house and the surrounding parts of Manchester are overrun by the strangest of English breeds.

As the office workers of the Co-Operative Group attempt to go about their daily roles they are having to fight their way through the latest group to take over the conference hall.

No it isn't the latest auditions for X-factor, but the 2009 National Winter Ales Festival! For the couple of years that I've worked in the office building next door, you begin to know something is afoot when various vans of all sizes and from all parts of the country start appearing. This is followed by a certain level of excitement amongst some of my co-workers (mentioning no names - Mark & James).

Finally, as the queues begin to form at the front doors you know that its Real Ale time.

Now these people all have a certain look to them, and it isn't just confined to a "Rochdale Pioneer" vibe (even though they wouldn't look out of place)

As soon as you see the carefully styled beard or sideburns, the pot bellies and the ruddy complexion you know something is going on. Couple that with the waistcoats, baggy cords or fleece jackets, then you know you've probably got an infestation of Ale drinkers.

You know its true, when you realise that they are all wandering about with their own pewter tankards.

Does constantly drinking from the same cup make it taste better? The other giveaway that the "beer Festival" is underway is the lack of females, unless they are all hidden under false beards like the stoning crowd from the life of Brian.

Another odd sign is the guides and helpers sat, or rather slumped, by doorways wearing their "Volunteer" t-shirts, a large bunch of keys on their belt, smelling of stale beer.

We were pleased to see our first "Victim" of the festival at approximately 2 o'clock in the afternoon, a chap, his tankard in one hand, throwing up onto the tram tracks.

As if that wasn't bad enough - it was the site of the two grubby Manchester Pigeons discussing the merits of the old fashioned brewing process that went into the vomit.

Oh well, only two more days to go. Bring on the the Morris Dancers!

Could It Get any More Surreal?

Well the Kaka transfer saga rumbles on, and depending on how successful your particular team is determines pretty much where you stand on the issue.

Depending on what paper you read he will either be signed for a paltry £40million pound (The Daily Star) to a whopping £243million (The Sun). Either way it will probably be quite a lot of money and you are either bemused or foretelling the end of the world and undoubtedly speaking in tongues.

I cannot believe range of emotions it has awoken in people who probably don't even know where Manchester is, never mind that they had two football teams (City and FC United).

Maybe the least surprising is the views eminating from some of the "Big Four" clubs, and in particular Arsenal. Mr Wengar is really not very happy at all.

Apparently we are "are not living in the real world by pursuing a £107m deal for AC Milan's Brazil superstar Kaka." And we thought he was unhappy when we signed Robinho. I cannot help but feel that the Arsenal in particular are worried at the possible break up of "The Big Four" (by Aston Villa - never mind City)

If this was one of those four teams chasing the player, an eyebrow would be raised, but it certainly wouldn't provoke the reaction this has.

One aspect which certainly does amuse me is the attitude of a certain number of Man United fans, who huff and tut at us (like Chelsea before us) trying to "Buy" the premiership, seemingly oblivious to the fact that United have themselves bought the title for the last 15-20 years.

Never mind, the £20million plus spent on Wayne Rooney, Rio Ferdinand, Carrick, Berbatov, and Veron.. Add to this recent signings such as Anderson - £18million, Owen Hargreaves - £17million, Nani £17million. No one (including Chelsea have as many players in the list of top 15 transfers of all time)

It isn't a new thing though, United have always been a big money transfer club, just look at the previous records they have broken over the years with players such as Andy Cole, Roy keane, Gary Pallister, and Bryan Robson all being record signings.

So tell me United haven't "bought" trophies?

But I digress. It is the way it has always been and always will be. For all the accusations flying about, I think I was most impressed, or even surprised by Steve Coppell's -

"City's owner has a target, how he gets there is down to him. Hopefully there'll soon be six teams capable of winning the title, that can only be good. If City join that then brilliant."

Cheers Steve...or maybe he just feels guilty about the 30 day management reign.

A very good article I did read (very surprisingly in the Daily Mail) summed it all up perfectly. It's only a game, for peoples enjoyment. I know some may say that money like this makes a mockery of that statement, but it still doesn't change it.

It's only a game. Enjoy it.

Oh well, bring on Wigan!

Happy New Year and all that ...

Well another year has been and gone and I still don't update this thing half as much as I should! A writer? Pah! as some would say (especially Beth!) I haven't even got a Pen...

For my end / start of year blog I guess I should do some kind of review of the year and try to prove (yet again) that mankind really is just a virus with shoes - thanks Bill, still thinking of you in 2009!

I have been reminded this year on so many occasions, of the scene in Monty Python's Meaning of Life around the middle of the film where the scene moves to the boardroom of a multi national company. The scene pans out something like this -

"CHAIRMAN: ...Which brings us once again to the urgent realisation of just how much there is still left to own. Item six on the agenda: the meaning of life. Now, uh, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this.
HARRY: That's right. Yeah, I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks, and, uh, what we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts. One: people are not wearing enough hats. Two: matter is energy. In the universe, there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul. However, this soul does not exist ab initio, as orthodox Christianity teaches. It has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is rarely achieved, owing to man's unique ability to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia.
[pause]
BERT: What was that about hats, again?"

I think I would have to say that this is undoubtedly my favourite scene in any film, and somewhat sums up mankind in the 21st century. Totally fuelled by media of all types, we are constantly being , you know, being, well, kind of , err, yeah distracted by rubbish... (what was that google search again...cup, girls, two...)

See what I mean?

In no particular order, my fave / worst distractions of the year...

The Brand / Ross debacle... two guys, being idiots to someone who didn't really care - becomes a national outrage - get over it - it really didn't matter.

John Sergeant on Strictly come dine with me in the jungle (or whatever). An old man dancing badly. it's not big, it's clever and it really isn't funny. It must have been hiding something really important in the news that day/week...

The American election going on forever... okay, I guess this might be quite important to the world all in, but does it really have to take so long?

As to some of my dumbest stories of the year, how about -

Linda Lusardi calling 999 for help as she was late for the panto she was in (On no she wasn't etc. etc_) - this story is only topped by an old vegitarian friend of mine going into a freezer shop, and asking for some of that "linda Lusardi stuff".

The fake Penis sellers being jailed...

"The makers of a prosthetic penis to help men cheat on drugs tests have pleaded guilty to two charges of conspiracy in a US federal court. "

The chap who filmed himself breaking the law... and then posted the films on youtube. With his contact details.

To round up, I guess my message to all is to google "Dumb" to just prove why global warming isn't a problem, and the sooner mankind is wiped out the better! (In fact the best search I came across was "Deaf Drummer" - don't ask me why I was searching that...)

Apart from that - Have a good new year one and all - and I'll be back to moan soon enough!